Author: Nonpopulist Published: May 11th, 2010
- Before
As most of the NFL-aware public knows by now Brian Cushing, linebacker for the Houston Texans and winner of Defensive Rookie of the Year last year, tested positive for a banned substance last September and will be suspended for the first four games of the coming NFL season. After much cajoling reports have surfaced the substance for which he tested positive is none other than hCG. You may remember hCG from other stories such as Jose Canseco getting caught trying to cross the Mexican border into the United States with the substance back in 2008 and that being the substance that got Manny Ramirez suspended for 50 games in the 2009 MLB season. hCG is a masking agent (should that “h” be capitalized?) that is used to basically reboot your balls after a steroid cycle. The substance reportedly restores testicular size and restores normality to the testosterone production levels in the body. Something new that has been reported by Profootballtalk and others is that the substance is naturally occurring in the body and can be at an elevated level shortly after ejaculation. So let’s play that scenario out. Cushing is minding his own business, getting head at the club, finishes with the fine young lady or himself or however he gets down. Then he gets a call from an NFL drug test person that he needs to pee in a cup posthaste. He does the test, all the while thinking he’s clean. Little did he know… So are we now going to see an outbreak of abstinence in the NFL after the fact that ejaculating could possibly cause a positive drug test? But who will rape our women and young children then? Who? (more…)
Popularity: 1% [?]
Tags: Brian Cushing, Houston Texans, NFL, Peter King, sports reporters, Steroids
Category Random Deviations |
Author: Nonpopulist Published: April 28th, 2010
The NFL draft this year was great. I think the three-day format worked, and I heard the ESPN coverage of the first round got a 5.5 share on Thursday night. That’s television-speak for a lot of people watched it. Profootballtalk.com has a report that at least 45.4 million people watched at least a minute of draft coverage. I watched the NFL Network for the whole draft because I value my sanity, and I’m not sure if many people realize it yet, but a new NFL Network star was born on Saturday. Corey Chavous, of the hilariously named Draft Nasty and former NFL player, filled in when Mike Mayock lost his voice on the final day of the draft. Chavous did a good job, and he had knowledge of the picks made way down in the 7th round when it becomes noticeable how quiet the other analysts get from a lack of knowledge. That’s when you hear people at the desk begin to bloviate about teams’ overall drafts, but don’t get too specific because “it’s too early to tell.”
It is not, however, too early to begin laughing at the Broncos for drafting Tim Tebow. God must have come to Coach McDaniels (or should we go ahead and start calling him former head coach) the night before the draft in a vision and told the coach to draft Tebow. That is the only logical scenario I can come up with as to how Tebow got drafted before the third round. I’ve heard of reach picks, but that one was too high for Manute Bol to reach.
The draft always feels like the payoff, the oasis in the desert of the offseason, and my favorite part of the Madden video games is always offseason mode. I always take my time and savor the moments instead of skipping through to rush to the preseason- barf. One thing troubling about the draft this year is now that the draft is over, analysts and prognosticators are shy about giving draft grades. Peter King says he won’t do draft grades. What’s wrong Peter King? Brett Favre made fun of you for doing draft grades one time, and it hurt your feelings? Adam Schefter, grow a pair and grade the draft. Colin Cowherd won’t grade a team’s draft. He will only grade a teams entire offseason and the first and maybe second round pick in the draft. I thought you had some conviction, Colin.
What these other sports journalists and commentators lack, Mel Kiper Jr. has in spades, balls. He doesn’t cut and run from his scouting. He gives grades no matter how far his beloved Jimmy Clausen slid down the draft board. Kiper realizes the teams aren’t going to grade themselves and need someone from the outside keeping them accountable for when they screw up by not listening to him. Kiper giving grades has inspired me to also let my nuts hang out and hand out some grades, no analysis, though. Grades only! You don’t like it? Well, sir, these colors don’t run. Watch out because Vampire Kiper has my back as I see if my nuts hang to the floor.
Keep in mind this list is very subjective. That does not make it in any way less ballsy.
Arizona Cardinals: C+
Atlanta Falcons: B+
Baltimore Ravens: A-
Buffalo Bills: Participant
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Tags: NFL, NFL Draft, NFL draft grades, sports reporters
Category NFL Wrapup, Prognostication |
