Q and A with Stafon Johnson

There are many dangerous components to being a football player. Your body can get hurt in a lot of different and unique ways. Such as the case with Stafon Johnson, Running Back for USC. Apparently he was lifting weights and dropped the barbell on his throat which crushed his larynx. Being the savvy sports reporter that I am, I was able to have access to chloroform the hospital he is recovering at and grab him for an interview for a few minutes:

Logic: Hello Stafon, how are you doing this evening?

Stafon: (gives thumbs up)

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Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Reasons Why People Don't Like Logic, Stafon Johnson, USC Trojans, Weight Lifting for Sissies
Category Interviews, Satire |

The Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is a recap of yesterdays sporting events. Some sports and teams are left out due to my lack of caring.

NFL: No news is bad news right? Well it’s something like that. The Colts are still awaiting the results of a MRI on Dwight Freeney. He injured his quad in the third quarter of the game against Arizona, and as of now, nobody knows how severe it is. He did walk off the field on his own, but if he’s out for an extended period of time the Colts have no defense. Just after having a breakout week, Frank Gore is out for three weeks with a high ankle sprain. Fantasy owners everywhere are both rejoicing and slitting their wrists, depending on whether they owned him or not. Chad Pennington re-injured his shoulder and is likely out for the season. He’s getting a second opinion from Dr. James Andrews, surgeon to the stars, but in all likelihood he’s done for the season and for his career as a starter.

College Football: USC Senior RB Stafon Johnson is out for the season. He was lifting weights when the bar slipped out of his right hand and fell on his neck, crushing his larynx and neck. He was taken to the hospital for emergency surgery, and is in critical but stable condition. He’s expected to make a full recovery. Tim Tebow is expected to play this Saturday against LSU after sustaining a concussion.

MLB: The Angels defeated the Rangers 11-0 last night to claim their 5th division title in 6 years. They dedicated it in memory to Nick Adenhart, the 22 year old Angel who died earlier this year. The showdown between the Twins and the Tigers was postponed due to rain. Funny, I didn’t know baseball players were made of sugar. In the matchup between the Jays and Red Sox, the Sox were supposed to start Josh Beckett. They scratched him, and his replacement got rocked as the Jays won 11-5. I’m so glad I didn’t bet on that game.

NBA: Kevin Garnett is nearly fully recovered from offseason surgery. He’s participating in scrimmages and is ready for camp to kick off.

NHL: Theoren Fleury, who after an impressive preseason where he scored four points in four games, was cut by the Flames. But that’s old news you say, yeah well so’s your mother. The real news here, is that he’s officially retiring with the team he came in with, the Calgary Flames.

Soccer: Carlos Tevez scored two goals for Manchester City, as they beat his old team West Ham by a score of 3-1. The win was Cities 5th in their first 6 games, which is their best start since 1961.

Gratuitous Semi Naked Female Athlete?:

Beach Volleyball is so totally a sport. Even when done by a castmember of The Hills.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Angels, Carlos Tevez, Chad Pennington, Dwight Freeney, Jays, Kevin Garnett, Nick Adenhart, Rangers, Red Sox, Stafon Johnson, Theoren Fleury, Tim Tebow
Category Morning After Pill |