Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday July 19th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘tampa bay buccaneers’

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Bucs Game

Just wait. I’m saving the big fucking guns for next week’s holiday blowout massacre extravaganza. Seriously, unless the Skins fuck it up by winning, it’s going to be epic. Anyway, what can one really say about that shit-show? Kinda the most perfect way ever for this team to lose. And who misses a 30 and 24 yard FG? I mean, those should be mandatorially celebrated with a dismissive wank gesture. Which brings me to my real point. Tampa couldn’t stop Ryan Torain in the first half, so the only reason the Skins are kicking FGs is because Mike and Kyle Shanahan inexplicably decide to call pass plays. Blame special teams all you want, but it takes a lot of ineptitude on all sides (don’t forget the choking-ass defense) to lose a football game. Now, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.


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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC SOUTH

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC South.

Why the Atlanta Falcons will suck this season:

The Atlanta Falcons may have a good season. This is another team I have a hard time being pessimistic about. The Falcons are a running team, and Michael Turner is expected to have a productive  year. This is quarterback Matt Ryan’s 3rd year, the year things come together for good NFL quarterbacks. Matt Ryan is a good quarterback. I think the defense will be steady, maybe even above average. I am struggling to find any negatives on this team. The secondary is not a sure thing.
Prediction 11-5

Why the New Orleans Saints will suck this season:

The hardest thing to do in professional sports is to repeat as Super Bowl champions. Cliches, like stereotypes, are often there for a reason. There’s no way the New Orleans Saints will repeat as Super Bowl champs. They don’t have a Super Bowl hangover because they are still drunk. And really who blames them? The franchise has been so bad for so long that I do not fault them one bit for enjoying their Super Bowl glory. I’m not saying the Saints will completely suck. I think they will have a winning season even, but no Super Bowl.
Prediction 10-6

Why the Carolina Panthers will suck this season:

The Panthers finally got rid of Jake Delhomme, but they have unproven virgin Matt Moore at quarterback to start the season. Opposing teams will be playing the run knowing the Panthers will be trying to hide Moore from big scary defensive lineman and linebackers. Head coach on the perpetual hot seat John Fox seemed lost last season, and does anyone honestly think this team has improved? Don’t try to throw up Steve Smith either. He will be double-teamed, and the offensive line will have to protect Moore long enough for him to even throw the ball in Smith’s direction. I’ll also be a famous writer one day. Now I’m just listing things that will never happen.
Prediction 5-11

Why the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will suck this season:

Tampa has a young QB, a young coach, and not much talent. They are a no brainer to finish last in this division. Seriously, I don’t even want to think about how bad the Bucs will be this year. And don’t even think about picking up any of the Buccaneers players for anything fantasy football-related unless you play in a punter league. That guy will see a lot of action.
Prediction 2-14

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The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness.  Mostly lack of caring, though.  And my tendency to be bitter about things that don’t go my way.

NFL: The Vikings were on bye this weekend, so I know everyone was super bored and not really interested in any of the games that were on.  That is, unless you have Greg Olsen on your fantasy team.  I do not, but my opponent this week does.  Do you know what that means?  It means Greg Olsen has singled-handedly almost ruined my life this week.  Do you know why?  Because Greg Olsen, the TE from Chicago, scored all 3 of Chicago’s touchdowns yesterday with a total of 5 receptions for 71 yards.  Fortunately, they still got stomped by the Cards.  Which, by the way, how the hell did that happen?  Kurt Warner did a total 180 in a week.  He threw for 5 TOUCHDOWNS.  FIVE.  Two of which were to my boy Fitz (What-What!).  Whodathunkit?  Anyway, in another miraculous win we had Tampa Bay – rockin’ those sweet unis.

The hotness.
The hotness.

Seriously, those things are dope.  Much better than the heinous ones Denver’s been donning.  In the Battle of the Bays, Tampa put up 38 to Green’s 28.  Green Bay should be embarrassed.  Rodgers got sacked 6 times and threw 3 interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD.  Say “good bye” to the post season, Green Bay!!!  So, Sunday Night Football happened.  Which also means Bob Costas happened.  Are you kidding me?  The guy must’ve attended an asshole convention last week, cuz he would not quit with the dickish questions.  That’s right, viewers want to watch/listen to you harp on Romo’s “jaunty cap” for 45 minutes, Bob.  Shut up with your mountain lion-looking self, seriously.  Whatever.  Philly lost to Romo’s “devil-may-care” chapeau, 20-16.  The game wasn’t really that great.  If you read that article I linked to, they spend a good portion of it talking about last season.  Most likely because there was nothing but loads of idiot coming from the Philadelphia sideline as Andy Reid’s Childress Face was showing.  #1: Good job on that ridiculous challenge, buddy.  You screwed your team out of time outs for the entire 4th quarter.  #2: The score is 20-13, and because you’re clearly a math major, you settle for a field goal.  Remember a few minutes before that when you wasted a challenge, thus depleting your team’s TOs?  Yeah, see you completely set yourself up for the failure you deserved.  That is all.

NBA: There were some basketball games yesterday.  I kind of feel bad for the NBA on Sundays, because until February, no one cares.  There was only one game that appeared to be even remotely competitive: Philadelphia 76ers vs. Detroit Pistons.  Guess what?  Philly lost.  Geez, just a bunch of losers over there in Philly!  This season marks the return of Ben Wallace to the Pistons as the big brother mentor-type to Kwame Brown, Jason Maxiell and Chris Wilcox.  Apparently he was showing them how it’s done, because he was the team leader in 3 of 5 categories: Rebounds (16), Steals (3), and Blocks (3).  He put up 2 points…yay?  Boohoo, there’s no one on the 6ers that I care about so I’m not going to talk about it.  The Wolves lost again, and their record now sits at 1-6.  The ESPN recap (here) cites Blazers Coach Nate McMillan’s fantastical experiment to start 3 guards as ahem blazing the trail to victory.  False.  The Wolves are terrible.  Their record says so.  I really, really, really want them to be good.  So, boys, I’m pleading with you: STEP IT THE F UP!  Good lord.

Soccer (as we yanks call it): The only thing I’m even mildly interested in is that David Beckham has pulled out (heh heh) of the England squad for its match vs. Brasil on Saturday.  Apparently, he helped lead the LA Galaxy to a semi-final win over Chivas USA, and they are now headed to the finals against Houston Dynamo on Friday.  Beckham is a bit of a soccer slut, as he’s played for Manchester United and Real Madrid, as well as on loan to Milano and Preston North End.  But, I mean…he looks like this:


So he can be slutty with me if he wants.   I wouldn’t mind, I guess.  Also, yay America!!  Viva Los Angeles!

I hope you all have a great Monday!  If there’s anything I can do to make it special, just let me know.  For instance, if you’d like a mustache ride from Gally; or if you need to take your frustrations out on someone, gimp knows how to take a beating.  Or!  If you’d simply like to tickle each other and talk about boys, I’m game for that.


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