Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday July 19th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Tennessee Titans’

Cortland Finnegan Is a Cross Between Satan, Jay Leno, and Justin Bieber

One of the biggest stories from the NFL weekend was the fight between Tennessee Titans cornerback Cortland Finnegan and Houston Texans wide receiver Andre Johnson. I can objectively say it was one of the best NFL fights in recent memory, and the camera didn’t cut away like it normally does and get a shot of an assistant coach picking his nose on the sideline instead of showing us the throwdown. Check it out below:

Andre Johnson wins the matchup by unanimous decision. Both Johnson and Finnegan have subsequently been fined $25,000 by the league. Many think the league should have fined Finnegan more or even suspended him since he has been fined repeatedly for aggressive play this season. Others have said Johnson should have been fined more or suspended because he actually threw and landed punches during the fight. The league had their reasons to hand down the punishment they did and can not be questioned because the commissioner’s office has shown they reign over the NFL with an iron fist and can change whatever they want during the season to the point where they changed being able to change rules during the season. The National Football League has said publicly before they wouldn’t do that. That changed when they decided they wanted to do it this year.
The problem I see with the situation is not necessarily the fines, but the bull shit moralizing that has been thrown Finnegan’s and the Titans’ way. This season is not the first in which the Tennessee Titans have been called dirty. The chatter has been more frequent and intense this year with everyone from Kyle Orton to Rodney Harrison crying pussy tears about the mean old Titans. I’m telling the media on you. Wah.
Yes, the Titans bait people into committing penalties out of frustration (i.e. the New York Giants game this season) to gain an edge. If that’s dirty then every NFL team is dirty and not just this season. Baiting teams psychologically to gain an edge is something that exists in sport, but just because the Titans are the freaking best at it people want throw up their arms and flail around, cry, and run to tug on daddy’s pant leg. Buck the fuck up you blithering babies. But the players and teams aren’t even who anger me the most. The media and people who think they are media online who are so ready to jump on people and float any opinion or theory they fart out of their ass are the ones who fill me with rage. I don’t mind jokes or people raising questions about the play in a reasonable manner, but I saw a few people who wanted to make it some sort of moral issue. Check yourselves, idiots. One person even called Cortland Finnegan a “soulless prick” and “just the kind of guy Jeff Fisher would like to coach.” That’s a bit over doing it in your attempt to make your bold statement that you feel will resonate authoritatively throughout the interwebz, douche juice. Many people said things along the line of Finnegan “got what he deserved.” I’ve got news for everyone. The golden thrones you sit upon from which you dole out your righteous internet justice are made of pee-soaked urinal cakes.
The person who drew most of my rage Sunday evening was Rodney Harrison. On Football Night in America he took another opportunity to pile on the Titans much like he did during his playing days. He’s called Tennessee dirty more than a few times now and frankly I am getting sick of him not knowing what the definition of the word hypocrite is. I saw many Patriot games when Harrison was playing and always marveled at how many times he dove into piles after the whistle helmet-first. He was one of the dirtiest players in the league during his playing days, but somehow he has forgotten this. The reason he always picks on the Titans is because that was the team he was playing against in the game where his MCL, PCL, and ACL were destroyed. He feels indignant toward the Titans and has held onto it for years feeling he was wronged. What he doesn’t remember is he made his own dirty plays during that game doing his usual diving into piles and even hitting the quarterback late and high in the game. Does anyone know if he had any concussions during his playing days? Is that contributing to his memory loss?
Parting thought: for those who think the Titans are dirty you are the fans for whom Roger Goodell is turning the NFL into a pussy league.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Titans Game

And by “laff,” I mean Cockburn! And what an apt scene headed into Thanksgiving American Thanksgiving.

Anyway, hey Tennessee, we won the game of horseshoes! Now you owe us a watermelon! I’m actually halfway impressed with this game. The Skins still suck, but I expected them to roll over the rest of the season like they did for the Eagles and they actually put forth a professional effort befitting a team that was embarrassed by their previous game. Sure, the Skins were helped dramatically by the ineptitude of Vince Young and the way more suckiness of Rusty Smith, but I’ll take it. When an entire bar is chanting the name of Rusty Smith, cheering for him to pass when he’s on offense because they’re A) expecting an interception and B) that means no Chris Johnson, that says something. It’s also nice to not be the team making national headlines for internal turmoil for once. Anyway, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.


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Last Call: The Fall of Childress Edition

In honor of the end of the Brad Childress regime, an LOL I made a while back

Last Call is sorry you were touched there and in that way when you were a child, but there’s nothing we can do about that now. Time to buck up and develop a drinking problem to deal with your daddy/uncle issues. Your other option is to date Logic. For now check a few links from the day.

Guyism: 50 things every guy should know how to do. I was surprised they left masturbate off of the list. Seems like a biggie.

BlkSportsOnline: Robert Littal has been covering the Vince Young/ Tennessee Titans mess. In this post he writes about the childish way in which Vince has handled himself in Tennessee.

FireChilly: Another web site put out of business by an NFL head coach being fired. I doubt they’re worried about that right now. Imagine how long whoever is running the “Fire Mike Tomlin” or “Fire Bill Belichick” will have to wait.

Hot looking lady:

Homina homina Olivia Wilde aka 13

Good looking fellow:

David Duchovny

Musical Interlude:

I downloaded the Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1 soundtrack the other week and have since been unable to stop listening to this song, The Vandals, Euro-Barge. I wasted my first year of college on that freaking game and loved every single minute of it.

What are you up to this fine evening? I’m about to eat a salad.

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Tennessee Titans Defensive Coordinator Chuck Cecil Flips Off Officials During Game [UPDATE]

During Sunday’s Denver Broncos @ Tennessee Titans NFL game Titans’ Defensive Coordinator Chuck Cecil was upset at a few of the officials’ calls in the first half. Instead of expressing himself verbally as is usually the case when coaches disagree with the referees he chose a visual display.

It’s a little too late for this advice, but use your words, Chuck. This will not sit well with the National Football League. I’m sure Roger Goodell is already cranking the handle on his old-timey calculator and squinting at the figures under a clear green visor. It will also not sit well with aware Titans’ fans who have seen Chuck Cecil’s defensive scheme give up every pass under eight yards the past two seasons. Seriously, it’s like Cecil has an eight yard blind spot. He may have been a great, hard-hitting defensive back in his playing days, but he has a lot of room to improve as a defensive coach.

Hat tip to Gunaxin for the screen shot.

Update: I think we all knew Chuck Cecil was going to get fined and according to Pro Football Talk the NFL levied a fine of $40,000 on Cecil, which is much less then some of us assumed.

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: AFC SOUTH

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. First up, the AFC South.

Why the Indianapolis Colts will suck this year:

Photo via Manning Face

The Colts had a good season last year. Peyton Manning rallied a young group of rag tag players and went to the Super Bowl but eventually lost to the seemingly predestined New Orleans Saints. Nevermind the reason he has to carry a young rag tag group is because of his exorbitant salary which will soon go up whenever the Colts put together a new deal for him. Manning has one year left on his deal, however, and with negotiations on a new collective bargaining agreement between the NFLPA and NFL owners not moving along at a promising pace Manning may not get another deal before a new CBA is in place. Manning also had surgery in the offseason because his Herman Munster-like neck started to fall apart. Have you never noticed how Peyton looks like Herman Munster’s bastard child? Well now you see it, don’t you? Here is a stat since most of these posts will be pure conjecture. Of the last 11 teams to lose a Super Bowl, eight came back the following year and missed the playoffs. *Sad trombone*
Prediction: 9-7

Why the Tennessee Titans will suck this year:

Image via me. I like Nate Washington, though. I bought his Titans’ jersey t-shirt.

This will be simple for me since I am a fan of this team. #1- VINCE YOUNG. Vince has looked good this preseason. This is a smoke screen. Vince completing passes this season is all a ruse so that his subsequent fall will look that much more spectacular. He still does not know how to throw a football. VY cannot put touch on a screen pass either. He throws a screen pass and the running has to duck. If the playbook were anymore dumbed down for Vince he would get everyone in the huddle and say, “Everyone go long.” For running plays he would say, “Snap it to me and I’ll sneak it.”
#2- Chris Johnson- CJ2K’s performance last season was one of the few bright spots the Titans had. 2,000 yards rushing? That is a reason to celebrate, and celebrate Johnson did. The offseason was filled with tweets about “going in” and his “wrist game” being “gone.” I consulted a black person about what some of Johnson had been tweeting meant. After paying what he said was a standard “reparations fee” he explained what some of CJ’s tweets mean. I was way off! I finally had to unfollow Chris Johnson on twitter because it was becoming mostly gibberish. The problem with all of Johnson’s celebrating is I think he forgot to train and stay in shape this offseason. He did not go to one workout at the team facility. I have a sinking feeling he’s going to get injured early on this season. That’s why I have been drafting Javon Ringer late in many fantasy drafts. He’s Chris Johnson’s backup. Without Johnson this is team is crappy. I didn’t even get to the defense.
Prediction: 7-9

Why the Houston Texans will suck this year:

The Texans have some good to great offensive players. Matt Schaub is a solid quarterback, and Andre Johnson is arguably the best wide receiver in the game of football. The hype has been hot around this team for a couple of years. Many NFL analysts think this is the year Head Coach Gary Kubiak puts the pieces together and the Texans make the playoffs. Not bloody likely. Schaub and Andre Johnson are injury prone. Owen Daniels, the Texans’ #1 tight end, is still recovering from knee surgery although he is expected to play. The team is relying on a rookie, Arian Foster, to run the football after another rookie they were counting on, Ben Tate, was placed on IR and their other running back, Steve Slaton, can’t get over a chronic case of fumblitis. Yeh, this is the year I see them going to playoffs.
Prediciton: 6-10

Why the Jacksonville Jaguars will suck this year:

Come on, they’re the Jaguars. That’s all they know how to do- suck. But seriously, can everyone quit acting like there is some big ticket push the team is committed to? The owner Wayne Weaver and the head coach, Jack Del Rio, have an understanding. This team will be moved to Los Angeles as soon as there is a stadium built for them. Don’t you find it odd that Del Rio has been on the hot seat for about 3 years and not fired yet? There have been about 10,000 seats covered up at the Jaguars stadium for at least 4 years. Del Rio is dogging it, playing possum, whatever you want to call it. The understanding is once the team is able to move to L.A. they will realign the AFC and be able to win the division out west. I predict the AFC South and AFC West will just swap the Kansas City Chiefs and Jacksonville Jaguars. For now the Jaguars are awful, and above is the only logical explanation I can think of for their recent failures.
Predicition: 2-14

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UPDATE: Confirmed: Keith Bulluck Appears to Have Signed with the New York Giants

NFL free agent and long-time Tennessee Titan Keith Bulluck is rumored to have signed with the New York Giants. First report of Bulluck’s signing came via twitter user BobbyBroad. He seems justifiably proud of his breaking of the story because he has tweeted anyone and everyone he can think of the news including Adam Schefter, Chris Mortensen, and Warren Sapp. As someone who follows Bulluck on twitter I’m fairly certain I have seen Bulluck retweet more than a few of BobbyBroad’s tweets (in looking at Bulluck’s twitter page I see he has replied to BobbyBroad some as well) so this report could have some validity since there is a chance Bobby may know Bulluck in real life. The focus this offseason for Bulluck has been first on rehabbing from ACL surgery and then finding a new team since his contract with the Titans ended after last season.

Bulluck was the first round pick of the Titans in the 2000 NFL draft at 30th overall. He played college football at the University of Syracuse so (as BobbyBroad points out) this would a homecoming of sorts for Bulluck if these unconfirmed tweets turn out to be true. This would be sad news for Titans fans since he has been a fan favorite in Nashville for many years. The move would add some nice veteran depth for the Giants.

Will update as the story develops…

The story has been confirmed by multiple sources. Keith Bulluck is now a New York Giant. And Titan fans will quietly sob into their pillows this evening. Bulluck’s deal is for 1 year and up to $2.5 million. All indications from the report on Bulluck’s workout for the Giants is he looked to be in very good shape considering he is coming off of ACL surgery. And early rumors point to Bulluck moving from outside linebacker to middle linebacker for the Giants. I scooped some people today. Too bad I don’t know the first damn thing about confirming a story.

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Bud Adams would like you to know you’re #1.

Thank god for the advent of the iPhone 3GS and its built in video camera. Is there anything that the iPhone can’t do, honestly? It has a breathalyzer attachment, a ton of apps, and 3G speed that would make Usain Bolt cream his pants. What can’t it do? It really is only a matter of time before they come out with a fleshlight attachment, but I digress.[edit:Apple does not fund this site]

Without the magnificent invention we would have been robbed of the above gem. That being Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams giving the good ol numero uno finger salute. I imagine a fine will be heading his way[edit:A $250 K fine has indeed been levied], but to be fair, he was just flipping off the Buffalo Bills which in my book is totally alright. I mean, it’s not like they have souls or feelings for that matter.

Then again TO had been known to cry like Scarlett O’Hare at the end of “Gone with the Wind.” Damn you Rhett Butler, and damn you Tony Romo. Tear drop runs down side of cheek, turns and runs away.

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Research suggests heavy drinkers more likely to exercise than non-drinkers. Score one for the alcoholics.

Research suggests you can go from this...
Research suggests you can go from this...

About damn time some research came along to support my debaucherous and destructive ways. A new study suggests that heavy drinkers are more likely to exercise than light and non-drinkers. Which has been the reasoning I’ve been trying to explain to my in-laws, wife, and AA sponsors for the last few years.

Surprisingly, the effect was strongest with heavier drinkers, who “were more likely to exercise than light drinkers and exercised for more minutes,” said lead researcher Michael French, a professor of health economics at the University of Miami.

Health economics? I did not know they gave degrees for something like that. It’s like they took two different unrelated subjects and paired them together. What’s next, business engineering? Corny joke Fail this. this.

Eh whatever. This just gives me another excuse to drink, besides that other one I’ve been using for the longest time. You know that one about my drinking being a “disease” that I can’t control. It’s a pliable excuse, and it nets me some free coffee and pastries on the small chance I attend one of those court ordered meetings.


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