Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Tiger Woods’

The Roast of Brett Favre

Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.
Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.

Logic: Hello, I’m Logic and I’ll be your Roastmaster General tonight. I welcome you all, and for those of you that don’t know, this is the Brett Favre Roast. Or Roast of Brett Favre. Whatever. It’s more like a cremation, anyway. You old bastard. If you try to take a dive and give one of the Giants a sack record this year, Osi Umenyiora might re-injure his leg on your walker. Do you think it’s weird that you could be Josh McDaniel’s daddy? It must have been weird with Eric Mangini last year, huh? So that means you were basically Rommel? Man, going to the Jets was such a bad career move. The last time I saw someone ruin their legacy that fast an 11 year-old ripped off Michael Jackson’s nose in self-defense. What the hell were you thinking? You have this amazing streak of playing all these games through injury, but people don’t realize that you were bad in half of those games. Yeah. Congrats on having one good season, Brett. No, I don’t want to hear it. You won one Super Bowl. You’re like a Trent Dilfer that couldn’t take the hint.

[camera shoots to Trent Dilfer chuckling like a bald idiot.]

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Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com.

MLB

Nothing too exciting here, the Yankees won, Red Sox won…OH AND ARMANDO GALARRAGA GOT JOBBED OUT OF A PERFECT GAME BY JIM JOYCE ON THE WORST CALL IN MLB REGULAR SEASON HISTORY! SHIT!

Ruined perfect game
-Jose3030

Oh and the man with the prettiest swing in the history of baseball, Ken Griffey Jr. announced his retirement.

NHL

The Philadelphia Flyers do what the Canucks, and Sharks were unable to do: Win a home game against the Chicago Blackhawks, snapping their road playoff winning streak at 7 games. The Flyers win 4-3 in OT on a deflection from Claude Giroux to cut the Blackhawks lead in the series down to 2-1.

NBA

The NBA did what it’s players do best last night: Sat around, watched, waited for something to happen, and eventually let someone else do everything. The NBA Finals finally tip-off tonight. Prediction? No.

College Football

Rumor has it that Boise State will be joining the Mountain West Conference, and will be eligible to play games for them starting in 2011. And with that move, the MWC becomes more of a legit football conference than the Big East.

Golf

Tiger Woods will play in The Memorial which starts today. If he wasn’t, you wouldn’t be reading a golf update on here.

That about it for here. Go out there and make the best of the day.

Gratuitous Female Athlete: (more…)

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Wait, What Did He Say?

“…it’s very similar to what Hogan went through coming off the accident.”

Eldrick Woods

April 9 2010

Did you really just say that, Eldrick?  Well, since you did, let’s take a closer look, shall we?

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Tiger had Way too Much Time on His Hands.

This creeps me out

WWTDD or With Leather both have complete lists of all the sexy texties that Tiger Woods sent “The Queen of DP”, Joslyn James. It gets pretty graphic. I’ve sexted thousands of times in my life but never about golden showers, biting, face smacking, ass to mouth, etc.

I just need to know one thing from all of this…he was hitting close to 11 women on the reg, plus his family, his endorsements, golf career, appearances and probably other stuff that I am not aware of. My question is, how the fuck did he have time for all of this? I work 8am-4pm, plus my hour commute, an hour in the gym, I have 1 girlfriend and I write for 1 blog and I act like I am the most stressed out person in the entire world. Do celebrities get 27 hour days?  And he looks so young! I don’t get it. Maybe peeing on women is the new fountain of youth?

Whatever. Here’s a gratuitous picture of Elin:

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Rehab is for Quitters: A Memorandum



The Face of a Liar.


Tiger woods latest scandal left everyone  in shock and awe. Everyone that is except for me. No one is perfect and when celebrities slip up, I am here to exploit it. Hopefully for money. Tiger, you shouldn’t have cheated. You had everything you ever needed: money, fame, and according to the Irish, a wife who’s face was so beautiful that it was worthy of being photoshopped in a nude photo. Which was great, at that point you don’t even need to see her naked. You can just imagine the body it was photoshopped onto. They did this with Megan Fox as well, did I mention she was in a Superwoman(NSFW) outfit? I mean, we’re all pink on the inside, right? Aherm. Anyway, moving along…

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The Hammer of Oden

Oh. That's Where the White Women At...

Punter was right. This Oden pic is pure comedy gold and there is no one who can stay away from it. And no, it’s not the banner picture. That’s just kind of goofy. It’s the type of picture that makes you look and go: “How does an ugly motherf-cker like Greg Oden, get those hot white girls?” Well besides the obvious: “He’s a millionaire athlete and a recognizable face in basketball because he is basically the black Rocky Dennis“. The new evidence (LOGICal Heads Up: NSFW pictures of mandick over there…) is clearly overwhelming in the favor of Oden to show that he is a lady killer. Literally. I bet he’s killed a woman with his penis. If you are here just for the details of this enormous flesh sword that’s probably ruined father’s lives everwhere, then just know it drapes to half of his thigh. He is 7’0 tall. Go over the proportions in your head (get brain f-cked?). I sent my sources out to the professional world, and I’ve been told that Santanio Holmes and Visanthe Shianco just feel like less of men these days… Then, Tiger Woods was reported to have said: “Wait. All black guys are supposed to be hung similar to that?!? How come, I just love watermelon and talk through movies???!? GOD!!! WHYYYYY!!????!? GOD DAMN YOU 50% RACIAL SLUR GENERATOR! DAMN YOU TO HELL!” while falling to his knees in the rain.

 

 

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Celebrity Sex Rehab, Season 2.

Welcome to Celebrity Sex Rehab, I'm Dr. Drew.
Welcome to Celebrity Sex Rehab, I'm Dr. Drew. And I Miss Adam Corolla.

Dr. Drew: Now, on to business. I have been given permission by VH1 to have a second season of my spin off show Celebrity Sex Rehab where the patients are getting even more famous in some areas. And much, much more unknown in others. Even though, the unknown need the help the most. Without further ado, the patients!

audience claps

Dr. Drew: My first patient is a not so popular blogger from The Gally Blog and a bunch of personal volunteer blogs. He is a part-time comedian and full time sociopath. He says he’s addicted to sex and even more addicted to porn. Biggest addiction? Fantasy football. So there may be hope for him yet. Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome, Logic from Long Island, New York.

audience looks at each other awkwardly.

Pirate

Logic: waves Hi, Doc.

Dr. Drew: So, tell us why you think you are a sex addict?

Logic: Well, Doc…to be honest, I love whores. The thing is, I don’t make a lot of money. And with the money that I do make, I spend it on booze. So I really didn’t know which show to be on! Honest, Doc.

Dr. Drew: Well, we will help you get over that problem. Hopefully both. If you listen to me and have willpower, we will see all the great things you can accomplish.

crowd applauds.

Dr. Drew: Our next panel member isn’t quite as famous as Logic. He has been around since the early SNL days and has even done movies that we will be talking about in future episodes, such as Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo. Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome Rob Schneider.

Rob Schneider: Hi, Drew. How’s it goin’, bro? Remember when we did Loveline? Ha. Good times. No but, seriously. Hello.

Dr. Drew: Well Rob, I’ve never really heard much about you being a sex addict. Tell us a story about your horrible addiction, would you?

Rob Schneider: Um. Yeah. Sure. Ok. Well, there was this one time, I was with this girl. I mean two girls. right?

Logic: Are you asking or telling? Me and Doc Drew weren’t there. Just tell the damn story, mumbles.

Rob Schneider: Right. So it was me and these two girls and we were making out and I was going to try to fuck them! And then I took my shirt down and they saw this:

It's Permenant.
It's Permenant.

Rob Schneider: No. But seriously. I had sex with two girls.

Logic: Oh shut it, Schneider. You get laid less than a Priest.

Rob Schneider: Nuh-uh.

Logic: Yeah, dude. Did you ever see that South Park about you? You’re a joke. No one even remembers that “Makin’ copieeeessss” bullshit except me because I am THAT bored at home all day in between sexing all these ladies and getting blotto.

Dr. Drew: Easy, Logic. Let’s move on. Shall we? Our next contestant rivals Rob and almost kind of looks like him if you squint too hard. Please welcome, Pauly Shore!

Pauly Shore: HEYYYYYUHHHH!!!! WHAT’S UPPPPUHHHHH?!? I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ON TV AGAINUHHHHH!! THIS IS SO EXCITING FOR ME! THE SQUIRREL MAN!!!

Dr. Drew: Man, this is going to be a long season.

Logic: You got that right, Drew. What’d you find all of these celebrities at the same Best Western? I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone of Unfunny. I think I own both of their movies and use them as cup holders.

Pauly: HEYUHHHH DON’T HATE, PARTICIPATE! Who’s Logic anywho? WHO! WHHHOOOOO! What a funny word, WHOO!!

Logic: I swear to Christ, if you keep up this bullshit for 13 episodes, me and you are going to rumble.

Dr. Drew: Logic, you need to relax. I think this is your problem. You get aggravated about small problems which leads to light drinking which leads to heavy drinking which leads to blackouts which leads to hookers and cocaine.

Logic: This is starting to sound like a party.

Dr. Drew: No. This is, Rehab. (looks at camera, sternly)

dr_drew_interview

audience claps

Pauly Shore: ANDUHHH THIS IZZUHH SPARTUHHHHHHH!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!

audience boos

Dr. Drew: On that note, we need to introduce our next celebrity. He is of recent stardom and is a fantastic singer from American Idol with a quirky sense of humor, Adam Lambert!

Adam Lambert: Hi everybody!

Dr. Drew: Now, Adam. You are the only homosexual on the show. Can you tell us about when you knew you were a sex addict?

Adam Lambert: Well, this is court mandated. So, no.

Logic: (stops praying) Thanks, man.

Dr. Drew: Fair enough, and for our next celebrity, let’s all please welcome a FORMER porn star, Bree Olson.

 

Oops. Hehe. Am I Under Dressed?
Oops. Hehe. Am I Under Dressed?

Pauly Shore and Rob Schneider get wood.

Logic: What the fuck kind of show are you running here, Doc? You tell me to quit sex and then BOOM! You bring in a chick I spank it to? I’m going to have to self medicate until my dick is numb.

Bree Olson: Hi boys.

Dr. Drew: Now, Bree. I need to know that your commitment to this show is serious. We’d like you to open up and tell us about when you broke down.

Bree Olson: Well, Doc. As you can tell by my profession, it’s hard to NOT get addicted to sex. I lost my virginity at age 13 and ever since then, I just loved it. The worst happened once I got Twitter and started meeting random guys off the internet. At one point I was sucking close to 8 dicks a week!

Adam Lambert: That’s nothing.I would do that in a day.

Logic: Gross, man.

Dr. Drew: Excellent. Thank you for sharing Bree. And our last contestant is the reason we even got approved for this show. David Duchovney and Steve Phillips were both turned down by corporate for being incredibly boring. And that’s coming from me, so you know how boring they can get. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome the 2nd most recognizable face on planet earth, Tiger Woods!

[door flies open]

Enter Tiger talking on a cell phone

Oh. You didn't know?
Oh. You didn't know?

Tiger: (speaking into a cellphone)…No! No! You tell GM, I don’t give a fat flying fuck. They can go suck their dad’s dick. I don’t need GM money. Hey, did Trojan sign me yet? I want the magnum line. (to Bree Olson) What’s up, girl? (back to cellphone) No. It doesn’t matter if I have the dick of a Chinese man. I want the magnum line. I’m fucking Tiger Tiger Tiger Woods, y’all. I’m every bad stereotype between both races. I will talk through your movie and drive like I have a dick in my mouth. Gatorade? FUCK Gatorade. Those flavors they sucked balls. I wanted Grape and Apple. Would’ve called it Grapple! Because I just kick ass, like those UFC fighters, you see. That’s a joke, dick. Laugh at Tiger’s jokes or I’ll cuckold you.

Dr. Drew: Now, Tiger. I know you want to get back with your wife Elin. I don’t think talking like that will salvage the relationship.

Tiger Woods: (hears Dr. Drew. Tiger hangs up the phone) What the fuck did you just say to me?

Logic: Easy now, Tiger. See what I did there?

Tiger Woods: And who the fuck are you, playboy? I’ll butt fuck you.

Rob Schneider: That’s not even a threat. That’s like  your hobby, huh?

Tiger Woods: Listen, cracker. Shut up and get out of this room immediately.You’re getting career AIDs  on me. I heard you did this shit to Magic Johnson, asshole. I should sodomize you with this driver I brought. You know, because I bring golf clubs everywhere I go because I am the best to ever hit this mother fucking earth. I used to not even talk like a gangsta! That was until I realized how gangsta I was. and that’s pretty fuckin’ gangsta.

Rob Schneider leaves room. Audience claps

Dr. Drew: Wow. Tiger, we all know your sexual stories because they were flooding the news paper for days.

Tiger Woods: And let me cut you off there, suit. I don’t need you telling me what I can and can’t do to a woman. Tiger brings the pain AND pleasure. I am a GD Blasian! Can you resist this yellow-chocolate? Hell, I’d fuck me. I know Shore has tried to fuck me.

Pauly Shore: HEYYYYUUUHHHHH!!!

Tiger Woods: (back hands Pauly) Don’t start that shit. I swear on my swing that I will beat the tar outta you, son. And then! I’ll make your mother give ME some Bio Dome. Gnomesayin? (phone rings)

Dr. Drew: Tiger, could you turn…

Tiger Woods: NO! I WILL NOT TURN ANYTHING OFF, SUIT! I will rain fire from this building and beat this faggot Lambert silly. He won’t get raped though. Murderin’ fags in quicker. Oh it was just a twitter update from…Bree Olson? What the fuck? Damn girl, you’s a freak. You’re what Akon was singing about. I like that. Want me to give you the Angry Pirate?

Bree Olson: Sure! hehe!

Tiger Woods: Alright later, chalk dicks. I’m going to fuck this blond until she starts thinking like a lady and then break up with her through the media. Have fun with your, arid, Sahara desert weiners while I give out a few Piledriveres.

Logic: Damn. This guy is crazy and I think stalking me.

Dr. Drew. Just cut. Cut to a fucking commercial. FUCK!

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Recent Sports Recap

Weekday Drinking, Very LOGICal as of late.
Weekday Drinking, Very LOGICal as of late.

So as Gally mentioned in Last Call, the unholy triumvirate hasn’t been posting as much and we know you are grief stricken.  Or in Gimp’s case, he’s been searching all day on where to by balls because he still hasn’t eaten any Chicken Fat. During the holidays there has been a few headlines worth mentioning. I’m going to grab them all in one post to catch The Gally Logic Blog up to speed.

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Logicakke

 

Logic's Sleepy
Logic's Sleepy

Phase 3 in the Gally Blog take over is getting this thing up. I’m going to get some links right now. In 10 minutes. Quicker than I gave it to your girlfriend. Any tips, submissions or ideas can left in the comments section and I’ll get back to you personally with in 10 minutes. /probably won’t happen.


Link Roll:

This has been passed around the internet today. Tiger says: “I fuck bitches…”

The Highly NSFW Lucy Pinder Christmas Special

The Best Prank on the Internet Right Now better have a video response. (Follow them, or Us)

Great T-Shirt design sent in to TapouT for a contest.

Man should not get breast implants and think he’s hot. Yet, man does.


Alright that does it for me. I had another blog post idea, but it skipped my head. I’ll most likely be back tomorrow, but if not call your local cable provider and tell him you’d like to see more Logic. Thanks

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Look! A Dead Horse! Let’s Beat it!

#1
#1


This is Day 2 of Logic covering the Tiger Woods rape/murder/domestic violence/drug ring. It’s literally all anyone can talk about. And being in the mainstream media, I need to make sure that I get my opinion out there because if there is one truth to the “world of Logic” it is that I never lie about anything. Especially like being raped or being on the cover of Men’s Health Magazine.

Well, I was reading the Daily News at work today and I noticed my co-workers reading the NY Post and Newsday and the headlines were all basically similar. They were all cliches like “Tiger loses his stripes! Gets scratched!” or “What a bad driver!” type headlines and after I was done puking, I turned up the radio. It was Boomer Esiason and Craig Carton. They were, of course, talking about Tiger Woods. It was breaking news that a “middle aged blond woman” was taken from his house sitting up on a stretcher at 2:30AM on 12/8/09. (This was apparently Elin’s mother). Any coincidence to the anniversary of the day after the bombing of Pearl Harbor? Well, I just paint the picture. You can interpret it however you want.

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