Can we all agree that “Under Construction” is the best album ever?
This story would have surfaced much quicker, but the tabloids seem to have been wasting their time on all the other victims of the Tiger Attacks. People fail to realize that I am from Long Island, New York. If you don’t know the golf significance of that, here you go (exact distance from my favorite bar to Bethpage Black). I just want you to know, that I went to the US Open in 2009, but that is almost irrelevant. It was the after party that got hectic. Where I was raped by Tiger Woods…
Nikki Hunter from NY's Lingerie Football League team
As you know, I’ve been on a hiatus until I took the LSAT. I used this as a studying technique because I have no self-control and usually when on my computer, I’m drinking something I shouldn’t. A lot has happened in the sporting world during my break from blogging. For instance, a particular golfer got caught using all of my moves (ex: ambien sex, the line ” I will work you”). Not cool, Tiger. I almost had my sister say she slept with Tiger Woods because at this point, he doesn’t even know who he’s paying off. Plus, if he was chillen with Jeter….he probably de-pants’d thousands of women. Anywho, there also has been much more news. More relevant to Logic as well. So in order to address all of these headlines equally and offer my solutions, I decided it would be fitting to get into the Christmas Spirit by offering my List (sorry Jewish Readers).
I always used to think it was extremely hokie when shows like America’s Most Wanted did crime reenactments. The acting was cheesy, the level of production value was on par with those 70s pornos that my dad used to have in his closet, and the special effects looked like something I could make on my computer. Point being reenactments are an eyesore and should never be done. That is unless they’re done in Chinese and have computer generated people to demonstrate what happened. Oh yeah, and have the reenactment be about Tiger Woods and his recent fire hydrant and tree crashing situation and it’s full of win.
Best part besides the entire thing has to be the golf club hanging out the side of the car window.
However, my only complaint is that the computer generated Mrs. Tiger Woods didn’t have bigger cans. I thought Asians were all about computer generated chicks with big bleasts. Disappointment.
The Morning After Pill is where we recap the previous days events in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to me not caring about them.
NFL: This is going to be brief due to me doing a more comprehensive NFL recap later. Washington bails out Detroit. Again. See what I did there? I took something topical and made a lame joke out of it. Actually Sports Pickle beat me to that joke, and we have a $1 Trillion Twitter dollar bet on whether Jay Leno uses that joke in his monologue tonight. I have a feeling I may move $1 Trillion into debt tonight. Oh and the Lions beat the Redskins. Peyton Manning must have taken umbrage with being an underdog to Arizona in Sunday Night Football. He went out there and layed a whuppin on the Cardinals last night. Well him and his Defensive line. Queue up the Manning for MVP articles.
College Football: Jesus 2.0(White) is back home and recovering from the concussion that was bestowed upon him by the heathen Kentucky team. For the six of you that haven’t seen the hit that did id yet, here ya go. Baylor Quarterback, Robert Griffin, will miss the remainder of the season with a knee injury.
MLB: I think Peter Griffin said it best when he said, “Yankees Suck.” But they are sadly one of the most popular teams in the world, and masterbatory fuel for Logic, so they’ll continue to get some coverage here. The Yankees clinched their division for the first time since ’06. Oh noes, woe is me Yankee fans. Has it really been three years? Try being a Royals or some other downtrodden franchises fan. The ever dreamy amazing phenom Zach Greinke was at it again. He added to his Cy Young and MVP applications by defeating the Twins, in a game the Royals won 4-1. The White Sox beat the Tigers 8-4 to keep the Twins hopes alive, even though they also lost on the day.
The Morning After Pill is where we recap the previous days events. Some sports and teams are left out due to lack of caring.
NHL: Quite possibly the most important man ever involved with the sport of Hockey, Wayne Gretzky, stepped down as coach of the Phoenix Coyotes. Gretzky was a partial owner of the team, and as part of his income with the team his salary was $8.5 million a year. Yeah, he made College Football coaches look like poor schmucks. But the team is in Bankruptcy court in a dirty fight for control of the team. He realized that he wouldn’t be sticking around with either ownership group, so he decided to step down so the team would maintain some sort of structure. Peter Forsberg scored a goal in his comeback game with Modo. As expected he was rusty, so I guess we should take him out back and give him the Old Yeller treatment.
NFL: Donovan MacNabb is still nursing a broken rib and is unlikely to play this weekend. In related but not tied together news, Mike Vick will make his return to the NFL this week. As I’ve always said, the world just doesn’t give rich people enough chances. Adrian Peterson has a wonky back, but that wont keep him out of the Vikings home opener vs. the 49ers. Although this just reinforces Drew’s belief that Purple Jesus is going to break his back.
I wonder if that's on purpose?
Women’s Golf: Natalie Gulbis shot 8 strokes back of the leader at the CVS/pharmacy LPGA Open. The leader after one round is Sophie Gustafson who shot a round of -7. Do you care? No, and neither do I. I just wanted an excuse to post that picture.
College Football: The Southern Carolina Gamecocks played host to the Mississippi “Ole Miss” Rebels in a Nationally televised SEC matchup. The over/under was set at something like 53, and takers of the under were the big winners as SC beat Ole Miss 16-10. It was a decently entertaining game, a defensive battle that SC won. They ground down the clock, and made Jevan Snead look very much like Jamarcus Russell as he completed only 7-21 attempts for 107 yards. I enjoyed the game, but I was bored and work was slow.
