This was too good not to make a post about. According to sources that know Tim Tebow, he often requests prayer at awkward times. I did not know that at all. That is like the douchiest thing someone can do. Especially in today’s society when the world isn’t the same religion all linked under a God-king who takes his advice from an lethargic armadillo.
We’re told that Tebow already has gotten a taste of the resistance he might face at the next level.
At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups. The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.
Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow’s group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.
Said one of the other players in response: “Shut the f–k up.” Others players in the room then laughed.
WOW. If that is real, that is comedy gold. That’s like old school, still in high school, the nerd is up in front of the class and he looks at the teacher for approval and then he drops his oral report index cards and he bends down to pick them up and you just make the biggest fart noise of all time. Oh God, that was awesome. Remember that?
/chugs Pabst Blue Ribbon in letterman jacket
I would have literally paid my entire bank account to have been there. I would’ve gone into serious meth-addiction-debt to have been the one to say it. That is almost too good. I wish they named the player, so I could buy/create a t-shirt dedicated to this moment in sports history. You know he isn’t an atheist either. He’s probably someone like Rex Grossman or Tyler Palko that says totally inappropriate things. ALL. THE. TIME. Actually, you want my guess? It was my drunken uncle at a Christmas party.
Well, hello Saint Patrick’s Day. How nice of you to come around again and provide a reason for ginger haired Irish bastards to think that they’re more than smut and for giving a reason for everyone else in the world to drink unabashedly. Today we’re not alcoholics, we’re just celebrating heritage!
It's funny because the cat is drinking beer!
Well not me, because I work all day and have school all night. And I’m not Irish either, because I’m mildly attractive, you see. But that doesn’t mean that I’m all business, oh no. Instead, I am willing to start a meme to keep everyone’s interest today for no other reason than because, if you’re stuck doing boring shit like I am today, than you may need to find an appropriate way to waste time. So here we go. I’m sure many of you have done this before, but what are some of the shortest books that could ever possibly be written? For example, “Respecting your wife and family” by Tiger Woods. Oh hey, a Tiger Woods joke, right after he announced that he’ll be returning to play the Masters! Hilarious! But you get the idea.
I’ll start us off with some probably not very funny examples, just to get the ball rolling for the real comedians around here to chime in. But if you’re around or lucky enough to not have to work today, join in on the fun. Here goes:
The first Mock Draft for the NFL is up! This is something that I cover just as closely as I cover fantasy football. I may be wrong about who goes where, but face it. McShay and Kiper are just as wrong and even bigger douches. I might give you some nice analysis, but it’s guaranteed I will give you false hope about your teams’ first round move! Just chalk it up right now that I think undersized, speedy backs like Leon Washington will go much earlier than normal. Lookin’ at you CJ Spiller. Other notes: Clausen 4th over all to Washington and Tebow falls into the second round to Denver. Just something to prepare for because I will drop 2000 words on a Mock Draft.
Paul Shirley was an ex-NBa’er of some sorts. That’s way too much punctuation to describe someone in the NBA, but whatever. I’m over it. I guess this guy was a former player and now, due tot he writer, former freelance writer for the ESPN on basketball. Why he sent in a piece about 3rd world countries and their birth rates is kind of over my head. I don’t get it? It’s not his job to write about that stuff. He writes for a sports website about sports. It should be simple. He deserves a standing elbow strike to the face just for making headlines because he was TRYING to make headlines.
The Yankees have picked up OF, Randy Winn. I’m lukewarm towards this move. Sure, they found someone who can split the spot clean with Gardener. But the depressing thing is Johnny Damon is gone. He’s a crowd-pleaser that will get you 20-25 homeruns and 80-something RBI’s. I was sad to see him go.
Ben Sheets signed with the Athletic. 6 starts and he’ll fall apart at the limbs like someone took fishing wire to his joints at 150 mph
Hall of Fame denies Dawson access as a Cub. He’s going EXPO-NATION, BABY!
Jim Thome signed with the Twins. More protection for Morneau.
Padres signed Jon Garland. Solid pick up.
Xavier Nady signed with the Cubs. Sucks. I wanted him as a Yankee but I feel compelled as a Yankees fan to root for the Cubs. I root for a Ying Yang!
And the Mets have agreed to the terms of their new contract with Being a Loser and Having a Team That No One Wants To Go To.
And lastly, Greg Oden is now appologizing about his pain stick. It went something like this: “I’m sorry about showing my private parts. It was sent to a ladyfriend. Honestly, how else did you think I was going to close? I ain’t got game. I’m not an attractive man. Plus, the bitches that know from basketball, know that I’m a giant pussy who gets hurt all the time. So you know, I gotta hit an audible and Check Hammer.
So, that was Swiperboy as part of Tennessee’s campaign to get Eric Berry the Heisman Trophy. Eric Berry is a phenomenal player, and there’s no reason that he shouldn’t be included in the Heisman race. The trophy is designated to be given to the most outstanding player in the nation. He is definitely one of the best players, but lately the trophy has been given to the most glamorous QB in the country, even though they have their own award.
This year he’s on pace for 108 tackles as a defensive back. That’s incredible. In the Florida game he was all over the field, seemingly playing LB, corner and safety. He crushed Tebow in a huge collision, and he even picked off one of White Jesus 2.0′s passes, and nobody does that – he’s only thrown 12 interceptions in his entire career.
There are people who are going to say that he’s not playing nearly well enough this year, as he only has the one aforementioned interception this year, and didn’t return it for a TD. Those people are complete idiots. The reason he’s not getting all the INT’s that we’re used to is because teams aren’t throwing to his side of the field as much anymore. It’s the Champ Bailey/Nnamdi Asomugha effect; they shut guys down to the point that teams don’t throw their way anymore.
He’s going to be a top 5 pick in the draft this year, or next year – whichever he decides to declare for the draft. I would propose that there’s not a single team in the NFL that wouldn’t draft him if they had the chance. I would even surmise that if a team with an established QB has the #1 pick, he will be the leading candidate for first overall draft pick.
I’m sorry that it’s not going to happen, Eric. The Heisman has turned into a complete farce. If I was a member of the voting group, you would have my pick, but alas I am not. I might even have to cheer for you if you somehow end up with the Patriots.
How awesome would it be, though, if your voice were actually that low?
Here is his official campaign page. Check it out as there’s some impressive highlight reels.
The Morning After Pill is a recap of yesterdays sporting events. Some sports and teams are left out due to my lack of caring.
NFL: No news is bad news right? Well it’s something like that. The Colts are still awaiting the results of a MRI on Dwight Freeney. He injured his quad in the third quarter of the game against Arizona, and as of now, nobody knows how severe it is. He did walk off the field on his own, but if he’s out for an extended period of time the Colts have no defense. Just after having a breakout week, Frank Gore is out for three weeks with a high ankle sprain. Fantasy owners everywhere are both rejoicing and slitting their wrists, depending on whether they owned him or not. Chad Pennington re-injured his shoulder and is likely out for the season. He’s getting a second opinion from Dr. James Andrews, surgeon to the stars, but in all likelihood he’s done for the season and for his career as a starter.
College Football: USC Senior RB Stafon Johnson is out for the season. He was lifting weights when the bar slipped out of his right hand and fell on his neck, crushing his larynx and neck. He was taken to the hospital for emergency surgery, and is in critical but stable condition. He’s expected to make a full recovery. Tim Tebow is expected to play this Saturday against LSU after sustaining a concussion.
MLB: The Angels defeated the Rangers 11-0 last night to claim their 5th division title in 6 years. They dedicated it in memory to Nick Adenhart, the 22 year old Angel who died earlier this year. The showdown between the Twins and the Tigers was postponed due to rain. Funny, I didn’t know baseball players were made of sugar. In the matchup between the Jays and Red Sox, the Sox were supposed to start Josh Beckett. They scratched him, and his replacement got rocked as the Jays won 11-5. I’m so glad I didn’t bet on that game.
NBA: Kevin Garnett is nearly fully recovered from offseason surgery. He’s participating in scrimmages and is ready for camp to kick off.
NHL: Theoren Fleury, who after an impressive preseason where he scored four points in four games, was cut by the Flames. But that’s old news you say, yeah well so’s your mother. The real news here, is that he’s officially retiring with the team he came in with, the Calgary Flames.
Soccer: Carlos Tevez scored two goals for Manchester City, as they beat his old team West Ham by a score of 3-1. The win was Cities 5th in their first 6 games, which is their best start since 1961.
Gratuitous Semi Naked Female Athlete?:
Beach Volleyball is so totally a sport. Even when done by a castmember of The Hills.
The Morning After Pill is where we recap the previous days events in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to me not caring about them.
NFL: This is going to be brief due to me doing a more comprehensive NFL recap later. Washington bails out Detroit. Again. See what I did there? I took something topical and made a lame joke out of it. Actually Sports Pickle beat me to that joke, and we have a $1 Trillion Twitter dollar bet on whether Jay Leno uses that joke in his monologue tonight. I have a feeling I may move $1 Trillion into debt tonight. Oh and the Lions beat the Redskins. Peyton Manning must have taken umbrage with being an underdog to Arizona in Sunday Night Football. He went out there and layed a whuppin on the Cardinals last night. Well him and his Defensive line. Queue up the Manning for MVP articles.
College Football: Jesus 2.0(White) is back home and recovering from the concussion that was bestowed upon him by the heathen Kentucky team. For the six of you that haven’t seen the hit that did id yet, here ya go. Baylor Quarterback, Robert Griffin, will miss the remainder of the season with a knee injury.
MLB: I think Peter Griffin said it best when he said, “Yankees Suck.” But they are sadly one of the most popular teams in the world, and masterbatory fuel for Logic, so they’ll continue to get some coverage here. The Yankees clinched their division for the first time since ’06. Oh noes, woe is me Yankee fans. Has it really been three years? Try being a Royals or some other downtrodden franchises fan. The ever dreamy amazing phenom Zach Greinke was at it again. He added to his Cy Young and MVP applications by defeating the Twins, in a game the Royals won 4-1. The White Sox beat the Tigers 8-4 to keep the Twins hopes alive, even though they also lost on the day.