Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Thursday September 15th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘UFC’

The Debut Gally Blog Podcast!

Yeah, lazy. We'll design a logo at some point.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Without further waiting, we present to you the debut Gally Blog Podcast. In this meandering episode, Phillip(@nonpopulist), Hugh(@THElogic) and myself talk about stuff. Mostly sports. We open with a shoutout to the mysterious @DangerGuerrero, move on to the Super Bowl, talk about Deadspin and then drift into random ramblings. We apologize for the length, but it’s our first time and we didn’t know what to expect. Enjoy and feel free to give us feedback..

P.S. I’m aware I sound like a husky 15 year old girl. No need to include that in the feedback.

P.P.S. It’s not on iTunes yet, but it will be.


The Download link is here

Some have found the other place slow and laggy, so I hope this one works better.

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A non-comprehensive recap of UFC 105

So the UFC graced us with a Ultimate Fight Night free “PPV” this past Saturday. Of course making UFC 105 free was a good call. Going head to head on PPV against a Manny Pacquiao-Miguel Cotto boxing fight would have been a bloodbath, and not the good kind.

Ross Pearson defeated Aaron Riley via TKO (doctor stoppage) in the 2nd round

Riley looked completely overmatched against Pearson, who just kept pushing the pace. Pearson landed some nice shots on Riley and landed a devastating knee in the 2nd round that just opened Riley up. It appeared like it was on the bridge of the nose and the think just leaked more than my wife on her period. The action was stopped so the doctors could check out the cut, but unfortunately like Logic’s gaping vagina, it could not be closed.

Matt Brown defeated James Wilks via TKO in the 3rd round.

Matt Brown has balls of steel. At one point it looked like Wilks was going to finish him off with a kimura, which is Japanese for “hey look your shoulder’s dislocated.”

Some way, some how, Brown stayed calm and collected and was able to roll out of it. Then in the 3rd, Brown transitioned into a full mount, or as berstreet calls it “A typical Saturday night,” and rained down some punches. Wilks just turtled up. A totally effective technique – if your goal is to have the ref stop the match.

Michael Bisping defeated Dennis Kang via TKO in round 2.

Michael Bisping needed to prove that his chin was not the stuff that stunt glass is made of. And did he prove it early as Bisping got caught with a right during the opening minutes of the 1st round. Thankfully for Bisping he was able to keep his bearings.

For the most part Bisping and Kang wrestled, they struck each other, but in the end Bisping was able to TKO Kang. The loss puts Kang’s UFC record at 1-2. Personally, I wouldn’t be surpirsed if Kang is let go after this fight. He’ll probably get another chance, but if his next fight doesn’t involve him decapitating his opponent I imagine he’s gone.

Dan Hardy defeated Mike Swick via unanimous decision

Both fighters are skilled at striking. Hardy is the heavier hitter and Swick is the more skilled wrestler. Swick knew this and attempted to get this one to the ground, where he felt he had the edge. Yeah, Hardy wasn’t having any of it as he was able to defend against the takedown.

This bout went the whole 3 rounds, but that’s not a bad thing. It was actually entertaining unlike the main event, which looked like 2 grown men hugging each other for 15 minutes. Both fighters delivered some blows, but it was Hardy who stunned Swick with a couple of shots and was able to get the better of him. Hardy also was able to open up a cut on the back of Swick’s head, which any time there is blood you easily win the round on my scorecard. A scorecard that’s more so based on awesome points as opposed to points for the round. But let’s be honest, being awesome trumps winning a round. Amirite?

Randy Couture defeated Brandon Vera via unanimous decision

If this was your first time watching a MMA fight I apologize. It was very slow paced, and for the most part it probably looked like a couple of dudes humping each other against a chain link fence. In theory Couture’s strategy was to get Vera to the ground and pound him out. Yes, following that previous sentence that might sound hella gay, but I promise no homo.

Vera was able to defend against the takedown, but wasn’t able to take advantage of his muay thai striking. It’s fairly hard to kick someone in the head when they are hugged up snugly against you.

Vera did answer with a nice body kick during the 2nd round that phased Couture. I even thought for a second that Vera cracked Couture’s rib(s), because well, Couture is 46 and osteoporosis is a real bitch like that. That shot alone seemed to be the only real damage done during the fight as Couture’s punches and knees didn’t appear to be dealing much damage. I mean, the ref only made them restart a handful of times because they were clinched up against the cage for too long, not dealing any damage at all. I did more damage to myself screaming, “Stop being a pussy and fucking fight” at my TV.

Up until the 3rd round I had the match pretty even, with Couture winning the 1st 10-9 and Vera winning the 2nd 10-9. In the 3rd round I totally believe that Vera had won the fight. He was able to drag Couture down and mount him (once again no homo). The judges, however, saw it differently and awarded the contest to Couture. Which further reinforces the point that I know dick about MMA.

Final Thoughts

All and all this was a good way to pass time on a Saturday night. Nothing I would ever pay for, so thankfully it was free. I would have much rather enjoyed paying $45 for a kick to the nuts.

The shining moment of UFC 105 was an undercard fight that was aired to fill space. Thank god they did too. In this fight Andre Winner knocked Rolando “Roli” Delgado the fuck out. Delgado easily soiled himself. There is no way he didn’t. Here is an animated gif to illustrate – the knockout, not Delgado shitting himself.

rolandoKTFO

via CagePotato

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Previews and Predictions: UFC 104

UFC 104 takes place this Saturday night at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California. We’ve gotten into a habit here at the Gally Blog (thankfully a good one), where we preview the UFC Pay Per Views (PPV) and give our expert predictions. Hmmm “expert” should have had some quotations around it, but I’m far to lazy to do that. So just read that sentence aloud to yourself again and make the crunching rabbit ears, which is the International Douche Sign for “I’m making a quotation.” Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Flips open a magazine

Alright. Let’s continue.

I wasn’t sure if we’d be doing a UFC post so I contacted Logic the other day and the conversation went something like this:

music playing in the background as gimp dials the phone
Logic: Hello?
gimp: Hey man, it’s gimp.
background music can be heard, *And my daddy said “stay away from Juliet”*
Logic: Dude what the hell are you listening to? It sounds like…
gimp: Just a commercial or something. Not important. Stay focused here, you ADD riddled bastard. Are we doing a UFC preview and prediction post for this weekend or what?
music lyric: Cause you were Romeo – I was a scarlet letter, And my daddy said “stay away from Juliet”
Logic: Uh…yeah man. Uh…Dude are you listening to Taylor Swift?
gimp: Um….click, dial tone

With that said, let’s get to our picks…Right after we unveil our special guest poster, which totally has me at full mast. I’ll let Logic do the introduction. Take it away Los Logicos.

Logic: First off, before I get done predicting every winner of every fight and making you some GD money, I’d like to give a shout out to our “3rd mic” of the night, Vince Mancini of FilmDrunk. If you’re wondering if he’s qualified, well, Vince has been the MMA correspondent for WithLeather so he’s not just a one trick pony with movies. Anyway, you should be worrying if I’m qualified. Because clearly I’m just a drunk guy that got a password to a website.

Vince: Howdy, folks, this Vince Mancini from FilmDrunk here. Your editors asked if I’d pick some fights for UFC 104 tomorrow and I agreed, as long as they let me use lots of swear words. I fucking love fucking swearing so fucking much. Almost as much as I like watching sweaty dudes wrestle. Really gets the blood pumpin’, as long as there are no gays around.

(more…)

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Kimbo loses, but still remains number one in unkempt beards.

It was the battle of the B’s last night on the Ultimate Fighter. Where we saw Kimbo Slice and his beautifully crafted homeless man beard take on Roy “Big Belly Country” Nelson and his very pregnant looking belly.

If there isn't a 13 month old baby in there I would be very surprised.
If there isn't a 13 month old baby in there I would be very surprised.

A little unknown fact about Roy Nelson. Underneath that belly is potentially a light heavy weight. You wouldn’t know, it under all that mass and clogged arteries, but it’s true. I guess eating nothing but fried foods is more important that dying before the age of 35.

Chuck Norris ain't got shit on Kimbo's beard.
Chuck Norris ain't got shit on Kimbo's beard.

Back to the show.

It was a battle for the ages and if you didn’t watch it you totally missed out. Naw I’m just fucking with you. It wasn’t very good…at all. Nelson basically just did his best impression of a beached whale, where he was the whale and Kimbo was the beach. Sure Nelson flopped around punching Kimbo in the head repeatedly, but let’s be honest with ourselves here people. Nelson probably would have done more damage by grabbing onto Kimbo’s wrist and making Kimbo punch himself in the forehead while exclaiming, “Quit hitting yourself. Quit hitting yourself.”

Yeah, it was that bad…and that boring.

To say I’ve seen snuff films with more appeal is a severe understatement. I would have rather watched a sex tape involving Roseanne Barr. At least that way there would have been something else going on.

Those repeated strikes to the head were nothing to write home about. I’ve seen children take bigger shots when getting the flu vaccine.

Rimshot

Hey-o!

My guess is the Ultimate Fighter did some ridiculous numbers last night in the ratings. And logic (real logic not the sadistic prick who blogs here) would suggest that they will see a substantial drop in the coming weeks with Kimbo no longer fighting on the show. However, if you saw the preview for next week’s show then you know this ratings drop will possibly be delayed for at least another week.

It appears, and the emphasis here is on appears, that one of the fighters has an injury. An injury that might keep him from competing on the show. Hmmm I wonder who the UFC and Dana White will get to replace the injured fighter. It couldn’t be…wait for it….the most recent fighter to be eliminated from the show Kimbo Slice? At least that’s what the trailer suggests.

Will Kimbo return to fight on the Ultimate Fighter? Who knows. I’ll be slightly annoyed if that whole bit of trailer was only about 2 minutes of the overall show and the UFC just did some hell of an editing job to make it seem like the bearded one would return.

However, if this was Kimbo’s last fight on the Ultimate Fighter here’s a video of him explaining the changes he’s made in life. More importantly how he has identified the enemy. Actually the inemy. Whatever the fuck that means. He could ramble on about unicorns and rainbows and I don’t think many people would object.

[Edit:All these UFC videos seem to get taken down, so this one's gone.]

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A Non-comprehensive Preview of UFC 103

Everything is bigger in Texas. Sadly UFC didn’t get that memo and we’re left with another Rich Franklin headlined Pay Per View (PPV) and the 2nd PPV in a row without a title fight in the main event.

Not to take anything away from Franklin. He has a record of 27-4 with 1 No Contest. and could no doubt have his way with me in a fight…And I don’t mean in the mancrush for GSP  sort of way where I would totally give up my back…Uhh no homo? More like the “Hey you don’t really need that arm” sortof way after he snaps it in a submission. Or in the “Here let me rearrange your face like a Picasso” kinda way. Yeah, that kinda way.

Now that I got the rant part out-of-the-way enjoy as Logic and I give you our picks for UFC 103. Which will hopefully end in my redemption after taking it on the chin with my picks from UFC 102.

(more…)

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9/11 Night Cap with Logic

I told you there would be more pugs. This is amazing. Eff you d-bags. If you don’t like fuzzy animals, you and I might not work out.

But in all seriousness, 8 years ago that tragedy happened in my home state. If you need a recap, you’re not American. But if you really want it, go somewhere else. You’re not getting it from me. I was like 15. Big ups to NYPD and FDNY.

But alas, this is a sports/humor blog. One link you can go to is Fightlinker where Shawn is 2 for 2 in picking the UFC Card. He’s not verbally funny but I know him personally and my GOD is he funny looking.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis featuring Charlize Theron.

Ong Bak 2 is coming out soon. I think? I can’t read the trailer. But it’s going to rock your face off.

Man, looks like everyone is covering Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila after I scooped all of their asses.(Logic Link)

Alfredo Aceves is the Most Interesting Man in the Bronx. Yeah it’s just Yankees talk. They ARE the best team in baseball.

Best Bet: Dodgers v. Giants- UNDER 7

as always, CentSports for the lines, sign up and follow along. it’s free.

That’s it for me. I got some drinking to do. Good luck, Gallions. You know, because of the herpes.

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The Morning After Pill: UFC 102 Recap

UFC 102 aired last night from the hippie capitol of the world Portland, Oregon. Where hackey sack and organic foods are the way of the land. Overall the show was pretty solid. And yes my picks sucked. I, patiently await my razzing from Logic, which I know is coming.

The results are as follows.

Brandon Vera defeated Krzysztof Soszynski by way of boring split decision. This was by far the worst fight on the card. I’ve seen snuff films with more exciting endings. Note to Soszynski, work on your stand up dick!

Nate Marquardt defeated Demian Maia by first round face rearrangement (ie knockout). World class BJJ doesn’t mean shit when you stand with an opponent who punches you square in the face. Boxing 1, world class BJJ 0.


I got your Ju Jitsu right here! /grabs crotch
I got your Ju Jitsu right here! /grabs crotch

Jake Rosholt submitted Chris Leben with a arm triangle 1:30 into the 3rd round. After the submission was released Leben did his best impression of a guy having a seizure. It was spot on. But I can’t tell if the convulsion was from a lack of oxygen or because he shit himself. Probably a combination of the two.

Thiago Silva defeated Keith Jardine by knockout at 1:35 into the 1st round.

Oh yeah!!! That makes the pain of getting knocked out that much more manageable.
Oh yeah!!! That makes the pain of getting knocked out so much more manageable.

Keith Jardine and his wizard goatee couldn’t get the job done. Well actually he barely even got the job started. I especially liked the part where after the ref stopped the fight Jardine looked at him like, “What? Why’d you stop it? Me going limp had nothing to do with me being knocked out. It was all part of my plan.”

Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira defeated Randy Couture by unanimous decision. One hell of a fight. The 46 year old Couture can still go, and with news of his new contract, he’s going to be around for a little bit longer. He’s almost like Brett Favre, but way more likable. Plus if he does reach the realm of douchedom that Favre has achieved, you will actually be able to see him get punched in the face, whereas we can only hope and dream that it happens to Favre.

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A Noncomprehensive UFC 102 Preview

Well we got a really solid PPV coming up. It has a better than usual card. One day I’m going to get my buddy Shawn from Fightlinker (note: He scooped FilmDrunk)  to do one of these but he just called me and is going to try to have sex with a girl in a rich part of town. For all Betting Lines head over here to DemandMMA.

For those of you that don’t know, the +/- is the money line. -100 would mean you have to bet $200 to win $100 profit. +100 means you would bet $100 to win $200 profit. If it was “even” it’d be $100 to win $100 profit.

So have a seat, pour yourself a drink, and get ready for Gimp and myself to drop a whole lot of knowledge on you, as we give our predictions for UFC 102…

(more…)

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Boxing's new Rule, or how I learned to love the UFC

I’m going to flat out put it out there. I’m not a huge UFC fan. Sometimes it is good, and some of the fights are entertaining. This is not always the case though, as it often breaks into nearly naked men doing crotch first hugs and humping on the ground. Not that theres anything wrong with the crotch first hug, in fact I quite enjoy a good one. You never know when that crotch to crotch contact is going to happen before the rest of the hug, but I assure you it’s worth it. It’s going to be the next big thing. You heard it here first.
ufc

via [Ctrlaltdel-Online]

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