Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Washington Redskins’

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

… Dan Snyder, I want to kill you. Kristen Bell, I want to …

It’s over. Now I have to go back to actually writing instead of paint-by-numbers. I believe there was a football game in there somewhere. One that involved 4 Skins turnovers and a missed 30-yard field goal. But now we’re in the offseason and my digestive system can rest easy.

Did you know that the Redskins team headquarters and facilities are in Ashburn, Virginia. I officially motion that they change the cozy hamlet’s name to Cockburn, Virginia. Speaking of Cockburn, since none of you have ever experienced what it’s like to have to drink Cockburn after your team loses (yet — man up, suckers!), there’s no way of escaping. You receive an official message from CBHQ that it’s time to drink it. In circles of the know, it’s called a CockBurn Notice. Also, in Cockburn-eligible games that one is unable to watch, you may communicate with fellow members of the Order of the Burn by way of CB Radio. Just thought you might want to know. Anyway, let’s head down to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Share

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Jaguars Game

Merry Christmas TO THE GROUND!!!!! Enjoy your Cockburn! Don’t pump that garbage through my veins!!!!!

Of course, any Skins win at this point is bittersweet since a truckload of teams just passed them for draft position. I don’t have much to say about this game besides that without Maurice Jones-Drew, the Jaguars kinda munch on a butt. And if the Skins’ pass defense were a condom, it couldn’t even cover my minuscule johnson. Anyway, I did appreciate getting use that clip and my digestive system appreciated the lack of Cockburn. Though I did chug some Sandeman port straight out the bottle on Christmas Eve so my grandparents, who like port as we’ve discussed in the past, would know to get some more instead of accidentally serving a fifth of a bottle. I don’t know why I wasn’t Time’s Man of the Year either, except that magazine might be dead. Anyway, let’s check in with our official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Share

I’m Burnin’ For You: A Merry Cockburn Christmas Special

First of all, here’s Old King Clancy watching the Skins-Cowboys game:

Yeah, I’ve had that in my back pocket for losing to the Cowboys all season. Turns out, maybe the Eagles game was the right place for it. However, since if there’s one thing I’ve learned from 2 weeks on Twitter, it’s that people on the Internet are supposed to repeatedly pat themselves on the back, I’d like to mention how perfectly the lyrics from last week’s song describe being a Skins fan.

So, the Sex Cannon. Since the DC media are generally a bunch of flip-flopping lapdogs, he’s currently the toast of the town. Despite losing. Yes, he threw 4 TD passes and a lot less ground balls than McNabb. However, he also threw a horrific interception on the Skins’ 20 and fumbled on the Skins’ 20. So yeah, he was better than McNabb for this game. But to use my dad’s genius description of Neil Lomax, he’s “just good enough to lose with.” And the point is that they lost. To the Cowboys. Now, in the Cannon’s defense, the real reason they lost is because the defense and special teams kept fucking that chicken. Yes, the Sex Cannon fucked over the defense with a couple of his turnovers, but none of their 460 yards allowed is the Cannon’s fault. And the kick and punt coverage did their jobs as well as Jennifer Lopez trying to sing or act (or pretend to be a human being). So the Sex Cannon sucked the least out of the 3 elements. Good for him. They still lost. To the Cowboys.

I’d like to surrender the floor to Hogs Haven‘s (my favorite Skins’ blog) Ken Meringolo, who said best of this: “Chalk up another “We should have won, could have won, but really had no business being close to winning” day. I mean, there we were yet again…the ways this team takes losses are simply amazing. What lessons are we learning this year? Really…what are we gaining from the experience of almost winning this many times? I worry that the lesson being driven into this team is more how to lose than how to win. I suppose the hope is that another offseason of roster upheaval will further erode the foundation of our institutional culture of losing. We can only hope that young, promising players like Brian Orakpo and Trent Williams will escape the psychological anvil that has destroyed guys who have played here in the past. After all, there is a limit to how much bullshit a professional can withstand before he either decides to leave or decides to give up and go through the motions.” Amen. And there’s always a glass of Cockburn available for you and your partner, Kevin Ewoldt.

Speaking of, and sorry for taking up space on the main page, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump: (more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Share

I’m Burnin’ For You: BLOODSUGARSEXCANNON!!!!!!!

(via KSK)

Hey, I said next week’s upcoming holiday blowout massacre Cockburn-a-palooza was going to be epic. And I’m a man of my fucking word. Gentlemen, put that Cockburn on ice because it’s going to be legen … wait for it … dairy. (And yes, it says “dairy” on purpose. Start your thought engines). And ladies, your “I’m coy, I’m hot and cold, I’m poker-facing” routine isn’t nearly as cute as you think it is. In fact, it’s not at all. You will bow before the majesty of the Sex Cannon! We’re playing for draft position, baby! COCKBURN AHOY!!!!!!!!!!

Goddamn, the Skins suck.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Share

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Bucs Game

Just wait. I’m saving the big fucking guns for next week’s holiday blowout massacre extravaganza. Seriously, unless the Skins fuck it up by winning, it’s going to be epic. Anyway, what can one really say about that shit-show? Kinda the most perfect way ever for this team to lose. And who misses a 30 and 24 yard FG? I mean, those should be mandatorially celebrated with a dismissive wank gesture. Which brings me to my real point. Tampa couldn’t stop Ryan Torain in the first half, so the only reason the Skins are kicking FGs is because Mike and Kyle Shanahan inexplicably decide to call pass plays. Blame special teams all you want, but it takes a lot of ineptitude on all sides (don’t forget the choking-ass defense) to lose a football game. Now, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

(more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Share

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

The video is right here. Even though one can’t embed video from Captain Zuckerberg’s Overly Precious Pyramid Scheme (thanks, dickbag; I don’t actually use your service), it’s worth your time.

Oh wait! That’s what I did Saturday afternoon. (Once again, support your local no-kill shelter). Sunday afternoon looked a little more like this:

(more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Share

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Doesn’t Watch the Second Half of the Skins-Vikings Game

Sometimes in life, we have to make choices. This past Sunday, when given the choice of watching the second half of the Skins-Vikings game or drinking copious amounts of margaritas before the Capitals-Hurricanes game with friends I only see a couple times a year — on their tab — I took the free booze and company. Yes, the game was even on where I was, but I chose to mostly ignore it. Feel free to question my fandom all you want; I think I got the good end of this one. And I still felt The Burn when I got back to Chicago.

As for the game itself, well I can’t comment much on a game I really didn’t watch. Lots of fans and media types are saying that Perry Riley’s illegal block on the Skins’ best player by far, Brandon Banks’, would-be punt return touchdown cost the Skins the game. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if the Vikings kneeled down on the Skins’ 15 to end the game, they would have at least kicked a FG to force OT had Banks’ touchdown counted. So fuck that shit! Also, any team incapable of intercepting Brett Favre deserves two losses, not just one. We go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

(more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Share

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Titans Game

And by “laff,” I mean Cockburn! And what an apt scene headed into Thanksgiving American Thanksgiving.

Anyway, hey Tennessee, we won the game of horseshoes! Now you owe us a watermelon! I’m actually halfway impressed with this game. The Skins still suck, but I expected them to roll over the rest of the season like they did for the Eagles and they actually put forth a professional effort befitting a team that was embarrassed by their previous game. Sure, the Skins were helped dramatically by the ineptitude of Vince Young and the way more suckiness of Rusty Smith, but I’ll take it. When an entire bar is chanting the name of Rusty Smith, cheering for him to pass when he’s on offense because they’re A) expecting an interception and B) that means no Chris Johnson, that says something. It’s also nice to not be the team making national headlines for internal turmoil for once. Anyway, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

(more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Share

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the 1st Quarter of the Skins-Eagles Game

See first 45 seconds:

Why only the 1st quarter? Because I stopped watching after that. I had a shitload of work to do (I’m the hardest-working unemployed guy you know), and zero faith the Skins were capable of anything resembling a professional effort. Oh, sure. They’re capable of talking shit with absolutely no talent and heart necessary to back it up. Sure, they’re capable of lying on the ground like a 350 pounds of horseshit in a 5-pound bag while the play is still going on. But resembling a professional football team on offense or defense, at the ownership level, at the management level, or on the coaching staff? That’s just too hard. Seriously, 11 coked-up Daulerios (which I know is redundant) could have scored at will against these clowns. If you want to crown Michael Vick, go ahead and crown his ass. But the Skins are who we thought they were!

Check out this rant from DC radio host Chad Dukes, who I normally don’t like because I think he’s kind of racist, and then we’ll visit our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Share

Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC EAST

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC East. These are barely getting any pageviews, but it’s a matter of desire at this point. I need to focus and finish. What I learned for next year: start earlier and don’t try to do all of these by myself.

Why the New York Giants will suck this season:

The Giants are a shell of what they were when they won the Super Bowl a few years ago. Quarterback Eli Manning still has about as much charisma and leadership ability as the runny dump I took an hour ago, and the Giants still do not have Plaxico Burress. While Plax’s football abilities continue to rot in prison because of pussy liberals who think guns are the devil a young Giants’ receiving corps looks poised to drop balls and under perform again this year. The running game is one of the team’s potential strong points, but the offensive line is shaky because of injuries and Brandon Jacobs is about ready to go “diva” on everyone. Someone get that big baby a Snickers bar. I think the defense will perform better this year, though.
Prediction 10-6

Why the Philadelphia Eagles will suck this season:

The Eagles will suck this year because they got rid of Donovan McNabb, one of the best quarterbacks in the game, and are instead starting a completely unproven backup. That’s a move bound to bring a championship. Has anyone ever considered the possibility McNabb might not be the problem in Philly? It could be because God hates your dumb city. The problem could also be the head coach, Andy Reid, has forgotten more about football than anyone ever knew about football, as in all of it. Andy Reid doesn’t know anything about football is the point I am trying to make here. That’s a recipe for suckitude.
Prediction: 5-11

Why the Washington Redskins will suck this season:

The Redskins will suck because they have Donovan McNabb. LOL, J/K. KTHXBAI. Mike Shanahan (candy lover) has a mandate from Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder to fix this team Shanahan’s way. The new head coach has come in and done things his way alright. He’s pissed everyone off including talented defen$ive tackle Albert Haynesworth. You may have seen something about that in the news. Think about what happened in D.C. the last time a coach lost the team. When the players grew tired of Jim Zorn they stopped playing for him and it led to many disasters on the field. Shanahan is not diplomatic enough to coach this team. I hate to say this, but Shanny needs to take a page out of the Tom Coughlin playbook if he doesn’t want to have a rough season.
Prediction 4-12

Why the Dallas Cowboys will suck this season:

The Cowboys will most likely have a good regular season. Their sucking will occur in the postseason if they make it that far. Quarterback Tony Romo is awesome… at plowing hot tail, as a quarterback, meh. The team continues to put faith in Marion Barber at running back even though he doesn’t run as well as Earl Campbell does today. Wade Phillips is a soft coach. Jerry Jones still thinks he can GM an NFL team. Wait, I have an idea. Why not let the stadium play, coach, and be the general manager? At least the stadium will see the Super Bowl this year.
Prediction 5-11

I’m basically doing this to entertain myself as no one is reading these. That’s ok. I am entertaining myself, and not just by typing if ya know what I mean. *Wink

Popularity: 1% [?]

Share
 Page 1 of 2  1  2 »

Latest Posts

Goodbye, Dan Levy

Goodbye, Dan Levy

First off, sorry for the hiatus. Blogging became less  and less of a priority to me as of late. Why? Mostly because [Read More]

The Sandlot: Logical?

The Sandlot: Logical?

The Sandlot is a movie that has garnished much attention from the people I actually talk to on twitter. Though that is [Read More]

Anything You’ve Done, Is Now Invalid. Ueli Steck Is A Man

Anything You’ve Done, Is Now Invalid. Ueli Steck Is A Man

The Man pictured above is one Ueli Steck. He is not the most physically imposing man that you’ll ever come [Read More]

Some Quick Thoughts on the NFL Scouting Combine and Measurables Vs. Intangibles

Some Quick Thoughts on the NFL Scouting Combine and Measurables Vs. Intangibles

Cam Newton is currently leading all combine participants in the intangible known as “swagger” The NFL [Read More]

The Danger Guererro Gally Blog Podcast: Episode 2

The Danger Guererro Gally Blog Podcast: Episode 2

Welcome again folks to a Danger Guerrero presents the Gally Blog Podcast featuring Danger Guerrero and some other guys [Read More]

Recent Comments

Your Questions About Drinking Games | Drink RO Water had this to say

can reveal funny "pet names" the boys have like "Big Jim and the Twins."Powered by Yahoo! Read the post

Parkour Runner had this to say

Seriously? Let's see you jump 20 feet forward and drop 40 feet and be perfectly fine. I have seen and done plenty of Read the post

TYRONE had this to say

just had an awesome time dialing into #teatimeKL with @kurrik to discuss the Twitter API - huge thanks to @nazroll for Read the post

nfl lines 2011 wallpaper | Hi res Wallpapers - High resolution wallpaper had this to say

news and nfl lines week 1 or download nfl lines 2011 wallpaper in this hi res wallpaper blog  nfl lines 2011 Read the post

Alison had this to say

Thanks for this amazing Christmas Cake recipe Icelandic Christmas Cake Recipe Read the post

Insider

Archives