Thanks For Everything. I’m Retiring

Hey Internet denizens. First of all, I just wanted to take some time and thank you all for your patronage and support. You’ve made the past 10 months sitting in my underwear, in front of a computer drinking beer and writing dick jokes far more enjoyable than it should have been. You’ve become like family to me. It’s become increasingly difficult to read sport stories and accompany them with appropriate potty humor. Management has brought in a great supporting cast to help me, but I’m no longer able to compete at a high enough level for my standards anymore.

It was great when the powers that be brought me Gimp, Logic and then Berstreet. We enjoyed great successes here. Then Berstreet signed on with With Leather and Gimp had his first child, and we entered a serious rebuilding phase. PJDiaries came on board and there were glimmers of hope in our eyes. Ryan “Kidd” Bidwell came on lost his life in an untimely incident and things looked grim again. Our scouting team found us a couple diamonds in the rough in Chubs_KGun and White Speed Receiver.

It’s a time of great promise and purpose here with the Gally Blog organization. We’ve got people doing interviews with National Canadian media. We’re doing interviews with former NFL players turned recording artists. We’ve also breached the land of the podcast, as both Berstreet and Logic have had their time under the spotlight in the House of Punte podcast.

I’m sadly stepping down though. I’m taking the road showed to me by my good friend Nomar Garciaparra. Nomar played for many years with the Boston Red Sox before he was shipped off to the Dodgers. He had some success with the Dodgers but battled injuries the last two years and his playing time greatly suffered as a result. The Red Sox on the other hand went and won two World Series championships without Nomar. Yesterday, he signed with the Red Sox, so that he could retire as a member of the team that dumped him in order to win. Taking that into account, I’m announcing that I’ve signed with the Red Sox so that I could also retire as a championshipless member of the team. They even came up with this wonderful plaque for me, which will be going directly on my wall. Thanks Red Sox, thanks Blogfrica and thanks to the members of the Gally Blog, I couldn’t have done any of this without you guys.

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Marques Colston to the New York Giants?


Back to NY?


NOTE: THIS IS A GALLY BLOG EXCLUSIVE… If you don’t know my back story, I’m from Long Island, New York. Also, I live 5 minutes down the block from Hofstra. It’s very inconvenient because of all the restraining orders that the sorority houses have against me, I can’t even get to the mall! :(. However, I bang one of the journalism students that interns for the Daily News. It has its perks. For example, reading the paper one day before everyone else. I didn’t even have to go down on this girl tonight and she sent me this newspaper clipping! Check it out!


WOW!


Now that’s a shocker. Oh wait? Is that a complete fabrication? Did I make the whole thing up? Why, yes. Yes I did. Am I worse than Chris Carlin or Michael Smith? No. Actually, I’m better because I’m not serious with all these lies. Plus, I’m comical and adorable. These people are just blatantly making guesses at where people will end up in free agency or when they will retire; in hopes that the person the story is about just goes: “Am I? Shit, I need to get to San Fran..” or “Holy crap I’m old. I didn’t even know I retired.”

Jeeze. It’s like these people have office pools for these stories and their day was today, so they tried to coax everyone into thinking they won the money. Well you know what? My LEAST favorite animal is a Cheetah.

Except for you. I love you.

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$300,000,000 Just Doesn’t Get You As Much These Days

Last summer, Spanish futbol club Real Madrid spent an estimated €228 on players to win the UEFA Champions League (and sell jerseys).   Last night they played Lyon in the 2nd leg of their round of 16 in the CL.  How did it go?

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Really? Like For Reals?

Picture this, except with a fat black guy.

This is not going to be a long story because I don’t know how to add to it. Tony Washington, a Division II draft prospect from Albilene Christian…well…there is no easy way to say this…so I’ll just say it. Homey stuffed his sister’s box. Honestly, the only thing I’m going to say is this:

Going down on your sister has to be like drinking non-alcoholic beer. Sure it tastes the same…but it’s still fucking wrong, man.

Really?

/wink and gunfinfaz to Dave Matthews from Deadspin.

Wait? Really? Dave Matthews? Like this guy? He writes for Deadspin now?

Cocaine is a helluva drug.

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The Morning After Pill: Just How Your Mother Likes It

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NFL: Logic’s number one favorite player in the NFL, Brady Quinn, is on the trade block? In an attempt to solidify their QB roster, they’re bringing in Jake Delhomme? See all those question marks? That means a story is legit, and will definitely happen.

MLB: Nomar Garciaparra signed a one day contract with the Red Sox so that he could retire as a member of the team. That’s awful cute Nomar, but did nobody give you the memo? Once you left the team, they won 2 World Series championships without you. For you counting at home, that’s as many as they won without me. Where’s my retirement plaque? Torii Hunter said that black Latino players are impostors. Just when I thought there was something interesting in baseball, Torii had to go and apologize and say that impostor was the wrong word.

NHL: The NHL powers that be decided yesterday that they were going to look into penalizing players for hits to the head. Having said that, they decided that Matt Cooke didn’t need to be suspended for his hit to the head on Marc Savard.
The stick and glove that Sidney Crosby used to score the Gold Medal winning goal, have been recovered. An investigation determined that they had both been misplaced rather than attempted stolen. Read more

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This is news?!?


I'm about to listen to Advice Dog


When this time of year comes around, I typically get upset. I’m a Knicks fan, of course I’d get upset. I also don’t have any allegiance to a hockey team; so really…the time of year blows. It’s also the key in the argument to why the lower 2 sports (basketball and hockey) can’t keep up with the top 2 (baseball and football). As a self-proclaimed sports writer, this time gets VERY boring. The most interesting stories come from free agent signings or spring training, though when you look at it, it’s pretty f*cking boring.

For example, let’s take a look at the two stories that caught my eye today Stephen Strasburg had his debut for the Nationals in Spring training. Yeah, he did good. That’s great. It’s actually leaps and bounds better than any other recently drafted player in the last decade because typically, you wouldn’t even hear about the lil fella until 5-6 years later when he hits Triple A and a starter goes down with an injury. So I guess, congrats to him? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?!? In related spring sports news, a college lacrosse player gelled his hair and wore a visor to a bar exclaiming he’s “Gonna Ben Roethlisberger a biddy tonight”.

Probably the bigger news is that two ESPN related personalities are fighting! No, not with fists. With words. *YAWN* I can’t believe I can even stay awake typing this. I just think it’s ironic that we are even calling them personalities to begin with. Olbermann is the stereotypical celebrity who goes “I’m really good at X, so I’m going to go try to do Y” like other annoying people such as Tila Tequila, Chad Ochocinco and Jose Conseco. Olbermann is qualified to talk about sports, I’ll give him that. Not politics. Al Franken was even like “Whoa, homeboy. This ain’t you”. On the other hand, Simmons is “Joe Sportsfan” who gives opinions from the heart sphincter. Comparing Tiger Woods to Muhammad Ali is like saying “Logic got thrown off the train for calling fat, overconfident women “whores”.” He’s having a Rosa Parks-like struggle with today’s media like Twitter.” Pardon me if that sentence had spelling errors. It’s tough to type while doing this:

I Dismissive Wank All Over This Post

 

Well, that’s it. That is all that is happening. I guess College Basketball is picking up but in reality the expanded the tourny to 96 teams, so that means it pushes the deadline of caring back another month and a half. For now, just enjoy the meme that the Deadspin commenters gave you on that Simmons/KO post. Here’s mine:

“I’ve given up drugs. This isn’t why I got into sports-writing”

-Hunter S. Thompson

/fake

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Blogkakke

image via. Reddit

Blogkakke is our collection of the latest and greatest to get tangled up in these here Interwebs. If you have something for here or would just like to ask Logic how to lose Internet friends, our contact info is over there on the right or you could try tips@ thegallyblog.com

Musical Interlude:

In honor of the anniversary of Biggie’s death, his major collaboration with Tupac, Runnin.

Linkage:

Deadspin: Today’s indispensable Balls Deep Mailbag, or as it’s referred to now, the Funbag.
KSK: Big Ben releases his side of the story. It was all a big misunderstanding about choco tacos.
Play Curling: Starting tonight at 7pm EST, is Blogs With Stones 3. If you haven’t signed up yet, it’s too late but you can show up to watch your favorite bloggers curl online against each other. Or play on of them in their downtime before or after games. God I’m cool.
Sportress of Blogitude: Tonight is Last Call over at the Sportress. So stop by and say hi to the Internet community that’s not involved with Blogs With Stones 3.
Gridiron Records: Remember Kyle Turley? The guy that Logic interviewed in our first podcast? Well, his debut album came out today, so check it out.
Orlando Sentinel: Is Tim Tebow going to to the Steelers? The question mark means it’s real and legit.
Pro Football Talk: Mark it on your calendars. Free agency is done. Over. Kaput. The Colts have won the FA period as they claimed DE J.D. Skolnitsky off the Redskins. Check and or mate NFL.
The Bachelor Guy: The birth and evolution of the modern shot glass. Frat boys everywhere rejoice and ask their mothers for some fuckin’ protein.
Puck Daddy: Puck Daddy held a photoshop contest for the photo of Sidney Crosby’s “Golden Roar”. Check out some of the contenders at the second gallery. I like the When Harry Met Sally one personally.
Uproxx: 7 inventions stolen from Nikola Tesla.

Bonus Biggie Song:

Biggie featuring Eminem, Dead Wrong

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Canadians Go To The Bathroom Together

I know not many of you Americans know anything about the wonderful sport we Canadians call Hockey. It’s a glorious game played indoors on a sheet of ice. Twice in the recently ended, 2010 Winter Olympics, team Canada faced off against team USA. The Americans prevailed 5-3 in the round robin, while the Canadians prevailed 3-2 in an epic battle that went into overtime. In Canada, 10.6 million Canadians watched the game. When you consider there’s only 33 million of us in this country, that’s pretty impressive. Even in the USA, 27.6 million people watched the game. That was the highest watched hockey game in 30 years, and with a rating of 17.6, was the second highest rated sporting event of the year, excluding the NFL.

From Pat’s Papers, a US website run by a former Canadian that compiles news stories, comes this:

The water utility in Edmonton, EPCOR, published the most incredible graph of water consumption last week. By now you’ve probably heard that up to 80% of Canadians were watching last Sunday’s gold medal Olympic hockey game. So I guess it stands to reason that they’d all go pee between periods.

That piece accompanied the following picture, which is a real time graph of water usage before, during and after the Gold Medal game.

So bring on the jokes eh. Us Canadians are a bunch of dandy hosers that go to the bathroom together eh. Well, at least we can drink beer when we’re 18 eh, so take off hoser. sick video after the jump

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No, You Suck: A Totally Rational Reply to a Small Town Journalist

You haven’t heard of John Dudley. Why? Because you a) have never lived in Erie, PA, b) are a fan of intelligence or c) Jay Mariotti is all the blowhard you need. Dudley writes- in the loosest “there are words on paper that he put there” sense of the word- for the Erie Times-News as a sports columnist. He also likes to fancy himself as a credible voice on national stories. I mean, if you wanted a take on Tiger Woods, why would you read Dan Jenkins when you could read THE John Dudley (seriously though- Jenkins piece is fantastic and he is a remarkably entertaining, if infrequent, Twitterer). Generally speaking, he (and his cohort, Matt Martin) drove me nuts through my formative years- because before the internet, I had to read the Erie paper and the occasional SI in the doctor’s office to get my sports news. I had always wanted to tear a piece of his apart for humor’s sake (fisking, as the kids say), but then he wrote this.


And totally made it necessary.

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You’re Fuckin’ Out


Tool? Yes. Rapist? Meh.


I know we are a couple days late on this but it needs to be posted. Someone needs to talk about how Sloth from the Goonies can’t stop sticking his ham-fists in the opposite sex’s axe-wounds. Ben Roethlisberger is going to (at least) be going through his second civil trial for sexual assault. I say it like that because NO ONE has come out with any significant information about this. Is it because his Jewish brethren control all the legal offices? It is, sn’t it? The Police in “Milledgeville” were supposed to comment today; according Christmas Ape’s twitter but they said nothing of importance and no serious interviews were conducted.

Today there was a press conference from the police department and apparently, Ben hired Ray Lewis’s old murder attorney….so you know this guy is legit. I would predict that if he gets Ben off the hook, look for Roman Polanski to take a trip to Disneyland in 2011. As for a choice of attorney, I guess since Gloria Allred won’t support a man that could rival her cock size, she’d be out. Johnny Cochran is dead, but if you could re-animate him and get that Chewbacca Defense (shitty video quality) you’d be golden. I don’t know if hiring an attorney famous for defending his client from murder was the smartest move. The guy that the kids from Duke Lacrosse hired was pretty effing good. So good, that the stripper who accused them, is currently in jail for arson! Wouldn’t that be nice, Bennie? Arson? You’d like that, huh?

Steelers fans keep getting mad about the whole “If it looks like a duck…” argument, but it is pretty crazy that he’ll have 2 civil suits against him for pretty much identical fratboyish crimes. That means that these girls are either lying, money-grubbing whores, or the DA is a BIG Steelers fan and won’t take the cases in criminal court. I’m curious on how it pans out because I would love to see Charlie Batch under center for the Steelers next year while Ben has to be chained in a cave like the ogre he is.

As for a new nickname? Jason Whitlock has been calling him “PacBen” because clearly, “Big Ben” doesn’t suffice anymore. I’m thinking of “Grabby Hands Ben”, yes…that’s becomes the acronym GHB, why do you ask?

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