Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes

Back to NY?

NOTE: THIS IS A GALLY BLOG EXCLUSIVE… If you don’t know my back story, I’m from Long Island, New York. Also, I live 5 minutes down the block from Hofstra. It’s very inconvenient because of all the restraining orders that the sorority houses have against me, I can’t even get to the mall! :(. However, I bang one of the journalism students that interns for the Daily News. It has its perks. For example, reading the paper one day before everyone else. I didn’t even have to go down on this girl tonight and she sent me this newspaper clipping! Check it out!

WOW!

Now that’s a shocker. Oh wait? Is that a complete fabrication? Did I make the whole thing up? Why, yes. Yes I did. Am I worse than Chris Carlin or Michael Smith? No. Actually, I’m better because I’m not serious with all these lies. Plus, I’m comical and adorable. These people are just blatantly making guesses at where people will end up in free agency or when they will retire; in hopes that the person the story is about just goes: “Am I? Shit, I need to get to San Fran..” or “Holy crap I’m old. I didn’t even know I retired.”

Jeeze. It’s like these people have office pools for these stories and their day was today, so they tried to coax everyone into thinking they won the money. Well you know what? My LEAST favorite animal is a Cheetah.

Except for you. I love you.

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Picture this, except with a fat black guy.

This is not going to be a long story because I don’t know how to add to it. Tony Washington, a Division II draft prospect from Albilene Christian…well…there is no easy way to say this…so I’ll just say it. Homey stuffed his sister’s box. Honestly, the only thing I’m going to say is this:

Going down on your sister has to be like drinking non-alcoholic beer. Sure it tastes the same…but it’s still fucking wrong, man.

Really?

/wink and gunfinfaz to Dave Matthews from Deadspin.

Wait? Really? Dave Matthews? Like this guy? He writes for Deadspin now?

Cocaine is a helluva drug.

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I'm about to listen to Advice Dog

When this time of year comes around, I typically get upset. I’m a Knicks fan, of course I’d get upset. I also don’t have any allegiance to a hockey team; so really…the time of year blows. It’s also the key in the argument to why the lower 2 sports (basketball and hockey) can’t keep up with the top 2 (baseball and football). As a self-proclaimed sports writer, this time gets VERY boring. The most interesting stories come from free agent signings or spring training, though when you look at it, it’s pretty f*cking boring.

For example, let’s take a look at the two stories that caught my eye today Stephen Strasburg had his debut for the Nationals in Spring training. Yeah, he did good. That’s great. It’s actually leaps and bounds better than any other recently drafted player in the last decade because typically, you wouldn’t even hear about the lil fella until 5-6 years later when he hits Triple A and a starter goes down with an injury. So I guess, congrats to him? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?!? In related spring sports news, a college lacrosse player gelled his hair and wore a visor to a bar exclaiming he’s “Gonna Ben Roethlisberger a biddy tonight”.

Probably the bigger news is that two ESPN related personalities are fighting! No, not with fists. With words. *YAWN* I can’t believe I can even stay awake typing this. I just think it’s ironic that we are even calling them personalities to begin with. Olbermann is the stereotypical celebrity who goes “I’m really good at X, so I’m going to go try to do Y” like other annoying people such as Tila Tequila, Chad Ochocinco and Jose Conseco. Olbermann is qualified to talk about sports, I’ll give him that. Not politics. Al Franken was even like “Whoa, homeboy. This ain’t you”. On the other hand, Simmons is “Joe Sportsfan” who gives opinions from the heart sphincter. Comparing Tiger Woods to Muhammad Ali is like saying “Logic got thrown off the train for calling fat, overconfident women “whores”.” He’s having a Rosa Parks-like struggle with today’s media like Twitter.” Pardon me if that sentence had spelling errors. It’s tough to type while doing this:

I Dismissive Wank All Over This Post

Well, that’s it. That is all that is happening. I guess College Basketball is picking up but in reality the expanded the tourny to 96 teams, so that means it pushes the deadline of caring back another month and a half. For now, just enjoy the meme that the Deadspin commenters gave you on that Simmons/KO post. Here’s mine:

“I’ve given up drugs. This isn’t why I got into sports-writing”

-Hunter S. Thompson

/fake

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I know not many of you Americans know anything about the wonderful sport we Canadians call Hockey. It’s a glorious game played indoors on a sheet of ice. Twice in the recently ended, 2010 Winter Olympics, team Canada faced off against team USA. The Americans prevailed 5-3 in the round robin, while the Canadians prevailed 3-2 in an epic battle that went into overtime. In Canada, 10.6 million Canadians watched the game. When you consider there’s only 33 million of us in this country, that’s pretty impressive. Even in the USA, 27.6 million people watched the game. That was the highest watched hockey game in 30 years, and with a rating of 17.6, was the second highest rated sporting event of the year, excluding the NFL.

From Pat’s Papers, a US website run by a former Canadian that compiles news stories, comes this:

The water utility in Edmonton, EPCOR, published the most incredible graph of water consumption last week. By now you’ve probably heard that up to 80% of Canadians were watching last Sunday’s gold medal Olympic hockey game. So I guess it stands to reason that they’d all go pee between periods.

That piece accompanied the following picture, which is a real time graph of water usage before, during and after the Gold Medal game.

So bring on the jokes eh. Us Canadians are a bunch of dandy hosers that go to the bathroom together eh. Well, at least we can drink beer when we’re 18 eh, so take off hoser. sick video after the jump

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Tool? Yes. Rapist? Meh.

I know we are a couple days late on this but it needs to be posted. Someone needs to talk about how Sloth from the Goonies can’t stop sticking his ham-fists in the opposite sex’s axe-wounds. Ben Roethlisberger is going to (at least) be going through his second civil trial for sexual assault. I say it like that because NO ONE has come out with any significant information about this. Is it because his Jewish brethren control all the legal offices? It is, sn’t it? The Police in “Milledgeville” were supposed to comment today; according Christmas Ape’s twitter but they said nothing of importance and no serious interviews were conducted.

Today there was a press conference from the police department and apparently, Ben hired Ray Lewis’s old murder attorney….so you know this guy is legit. I would predict that if he gets Ben off the hook, look for Roman Polanski to take a trip to Disneyland in 2011. As for a choice of attorney, I guess since Gloria Allred won’t support a man that could rival her cock size, she’d be out. Johnny Cochran is dead, but if you could re-animate him and get that Chewbacca Defense (shitty video quality) you’d be golden. I don’t know if hiring an attorney famous for defending his client from murder was the smartest move. The guy that the kids from Duke Lacrosse hired was pretty effing good. So good, that the stripper who accused them, is currently in jail for arson! Wouldn’t that be nice, Bennie? Arson? You’d like that, huh?

Steelers fans keep getting mad about the whole “If it looks like a duck…” argument, but it is pretty crazy that he’ll have 2 civil suits against him for pretty much identical fratboyish crimes. That means that these girls are either lying, money-grubbing whores, or the DA is a BIG Steelers fan and won’t take the cases in criminal court. I’m curious on how it pans out because I would love to see Charlie Batch under center for the Steelers next year while Ben has to be chained in a cave like the ogre he is.

As for a new nickname? Jason Whitlock has been calling him “PacBen” because clearly, “Big Ben” doesn’t suffice anymore. I’m thinking of “Grabby Hands Ben”, yes…that’s becomes the acronym GHB, why do you ask?

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