Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes

In our continuing Super Bowl coverage I bring to you brilliant expert NFL analysis from an unlikely source. Two Canadians, Andrew Bucholtz and myself. Without further ado, here’s Andrew’s take.

In my mind, one of the keys to this year’s Super Bowl is going to be the running game. The Saints were one of the best rushing teams this year, finishing sixth in the regular-season in yards per game (131.6) and first in Football Outsiders’ efficiency metrics. They have a triple-threat lineup with the quick-but-powerful Pierre Thomas, the lightning-fast Reggie Bush and the bruising Mike Bell. Meanwhile, the Colts were last in yards per game (80.9) and 22nd according to Football Outsiders, but they found a lot of success rushing the ball in the AFC championship against the Jets’ great run defence. They didn’t get too far lining up in traditional run formations, but had terrific results rushing the ball when everyone was expecting a pass.

The Colts face a tough task trying to shut down the Saints’ rushing game. For one thing, New Orleans is so explosive in both the rushing and passing games that it’s tough to sell out to stop one or the other. For another, the Saints’ backs all have vastly diverse running styles, making it more difficult to draw up a plan to deal with all of them. However, the Colts do have one advantage; their linemen and linebackers are generally small and fast, which should make them a bit more effective at slowing down Thomas and Bush than the typical NFL defence.

For the Saints’ defence, they’ll have to be careful not to focus too much on just stopping the Colts’ passing game. That’s what the Jets did in the AFC championship game, and they got burned on some unexpected runs by Joseph Addai. They did better stopping Donald Brown, and part of the reason is Brown’s weakness as a pass-blocker (see this clip of Peyton Manning yelling “Goddamnit, Donald” after Brown missed a block against the Ravens in the divisional round ). Even though he might be a more talented runner then Addai, the play-call is usually a run when he checks in, which loses the element of surprise. By contrast, Addai isn’t a great power back, but he’s good at picking up blitzes and catching passes out of the backfield. The Saints will need to keep him contained if they hope to win.

In the end, there are always a multitude of different elements that go into any football game. Good execution on offence, defence and special teams is important, but so are the breaks such as big kick returns, missed field goals, improperly run routes, fumbles and interceptions. Still, I’d expect both teams’ rushing offences and defences to play a key role in today’s game. Whichever team does better on the ground will have a sizeable advantage, and may just come out on top. Read more

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If you’re anything like me (which is a shame, in many, many regards), you’ve been horribly annoyed at the “Doppleganger Week” thing that’s spread on Facebook. Does anyone care that I bare a resemblance to a chubby Alton Brown or a skinny Drew Carey? I think not. What I do care about are long, convoluted comparisons between two things that can easily be led into by a stupid meme. So I’ve decided to compile a list of sports dopplegangers. (Note: None of these guys look anything like each other. It’s more of a spiritual doppleganger thing. Don’t believe me? Read the first one.) And if you don’t like that gimmick, Valentine’s Day is coming up, and these pairings would totally take each other behind the middle school and get themselves pregnant.

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Booty Booty Booty Booty rckin everywhere.

Yes. The Giants are finally in headlines. At least in New York, they are. It’s because of a past mistake. So like you, to your mother. Well, I have a morphine drip that will make Brittany Murphy’s cold dead pussy water plus a lot of time so here comes a Giants rant. No, you eat it.

Well this all started with my favorite current NFL player who is not on the Giants, Jeremy Shockey. Jeremy Shockey is pretty much a revolutionary. He is the greatest thing to ever happen to the NFL since Bill Romanowski. After the Giants’ legendary Super Bowl run in 2007, they traded my hero to the Saints because they thought they didn’t need him after playing  5 games without him. Fat Kevin Boss made one or two catches and Jerry Reese douched up the place. It’s not a good thing. The Saints were willing to give up a 2^nd and 5^th round pick for Shockey which turned out to be WAY to low. The Giants drafted Clint Sintim and Rhett Bomar. Ask me if I would take that. Go ahead. Ask me… NO FUCKING WAY. That could have been a great deal if the Giants drafted Shonn Green (awesome) and Johnny Knox (Pro Bowl). But it wasn’t. It was Rhett Bomar. Are we looking to replace Eli soon? Seriously? You gave him a contract extension. Hell, we could’ve used Thomas Morstead (who by the way, the Saints also have) over Bomar.

Anyway, Osi Umenyiora is threatening the coaching staff this week. He also shits on women. Osi says that if he doesn’t earn the starting job, he’s taking his ball and he is going home. Well, Osi…FUCK YOU. We don’t need you, at all. Have you heard of a man named Mathias Kiwanuka? Yeah. Well. He has a blacker name than you. Plus! He doesn’t cry. Like a woman. Who is weak.

Obviously, you have to trade Osi. It’s the only Logical solution. Seriously. You are bringing in the new Perry Fewell who may want to keep him, but the thing is, it looks like you would be giving in to his demands. From the other side, as a player, you can’t handcuff a coach like that. As management, you can’t move people any time they slightly get out of line. Look at what Brandon Marshall does with Denver after that Cutler debcle. It just doesn’t help your team. The reason that I vote for “trade” is because, what happens if you keep him, promise him the job and then not start him because he sucks or Kiwnuka is that good? You’re effed in the bee, my friend.

Beeteedubs, Fewell also runs a cover 2 which requires athletic linebackers (Giants have 1) and ball hawking safeties (Kenny Phillips), so I think we’ll be solid. /mouthfart.

Back to Osi. Well, I think you can get a similar deal for Osi that you did with Shockey. Osi is pretty much a Pro Bowler every year, except in this case, Bill Sheridan hates him like he hates America and blitzing and the other one was Eli Manning being an inept and fragile leader/quarterback. A 2^nd and a 5^th rounder is pretty reasonable for a DE that can deliver 18 sacks and all he wants is a starting job. The reason why I say toss him is, because we don’t have a need at that position. The Giants at one time had 4 solid defensive ends. You can’t play that many! Get rid of him for some veteran talent at the positions that you need and let them compete now or draft players for a position where you have temporary solution in an area of need. While we are at it, ANYONE WANT A FAT PUSS OF A RUNNINGBACK?!?

I also wouldn’t be above trading Osi for players, either. But you need somewhat big names when dealing with a perennial All-Star. The Saints weren’t willing to give up a 2^nd, 5^th and Roman Harper for Shockey. Roman Harper? Seemed harmless, right? Yep. Made the Pro-Bowl and Super Bowl, this year. Especially if the G-Men can get a Pro-Bowl linebacker who can be a leader of a defense like Pierce was, or a ball-hawking/game-changing safety, let’s do it. Do it.

My perfect scenario? Trading the 15^th over all pick and Osi for the pick that drafts Eric Berry. Dude’s a stud. Is it likely? Well, like I said…I’m on a lot of morphine.

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The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous days sporting news and events. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers. If you have something that you think should be here, contact our tipline at tips @thegallyblog.com

NFL: It ain’t easy being Breezy. Well, it might get a lot easier as he’s in discussion with the Saints for an extension and a raise. That sounds like they’re going to put him on some platform shoes and give him a penile implant, but I doubt that’s actually in the cards. OMFG, ROFLCOPTERBBQWTF Dwight Freeneey’s ankle is starting to feel better. Wake me when he’s the Super Bowl MVP. Actually, wake me at the beginning of the game so that I can see that event unfold.

MLB: Justin Verlander has signed a 5 year, $80 million contract extension with the Detroit Lions. Now’s your chance ladies. He’s young, rich and single dating someone not very attractive. Yeah, that little Asian girl next to him. Of course she’s little..

NBA: Phil Jackson became the winningest coach in Lakers history on the strength of 99-97 victory over the Bobcats. Phil did it without Kobe’s help as the mercurial guard was held to a measly 5 points. Come on, I could get 5 points. Rajon Rondo is hinting that there’s menstrual flow discourse in the Celtics dressing room. He said he wouldn’t really elaborate on the situation, so right now he’s basically just throwing shit against the wall. The Knicks crushed the Wizards 107-85 last night. I guess it’s time to cue up those presses making 2009-2010 Knicks championship gear. Oh, they’re 19-29? Never mind then.

NHL: In a move surprising to no one, the Blue Jackets have firedKen Hitchcock as their coach. Serves him right for taking one of the least talented teams in the league to one of the poorest records. What a dick. Superstar Ilya Kovalchuk has been informed by his team that he will be traded. Soon. One asinine report that I read said he was told he could be traded in mere hours. Looks like that projection was full of it. Magnetite, as he was way off course you see. The Edmonton Oilers shut out the Flyers as they scored with 17 seconds left to take the lead and pull out the 1-0 victory. After going winless in the month of January, the Oilers are now undefeated in the month of February. Can you say dynasty? Of course you can, if not you’d probably not be reading this.

Other: Yeah some other stuff happened. Lots of it.

Gratuitous Semi-Clothed Athlete: Read more

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Hi, I'm Luke Wilson. You might remember me from fat suits such as...

If you’ve been paying attention to the sporting landscape lately, or even just regular TV, you may have noticed something. A suddenly hefty Luke Wilson schilling for AT&T. In response to Verizon’s claims that Verizon has a much larger coverage map, AT&T responded. Poorly. They brought in a no longer relevant or thin and attractive Luke Wilson to say, “Yeah well we have the iPhone and you can talk and surf at the same time.” So clearly they thought that by bringing in Luke, his newfound heftiness would gravitationally deflect the criticisms like a comet being deflected by Jupiter’s gravity well.

Regardless of the fact that this gravitational strategy failed, Verizon decided to strike back with their own globular mass. Before the new ad campaign even gets a marketing presence, I’ve been authorized to give you all a preview of the new campaign and new corpulent spokesman, Rex Ryan.When you’re thinking of a globular gravity well, doesn’t Rex Ryan just make more sense than Luke Wilson?

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